In about 2 months, I will be moving back to North Carolina. This isn't really news, since I've pretty much known since I graduated college that I'd be getting back to the Tarheel State as soon as it was the right thing to do. Still, even though it's been my plan for over a year to move back to NC this coming August, the past 2 weeks have changed pretty much every detail of that plan.
I've been thinking and praying a lot about this decision lately, because although I have experiences every day that make me really excited to leave Provo and get to NC, I also have experiences every day that bring me close to tears when I think about having to leave this place. This has been my home for five years, and I can't deny that it's been great to me. I've learned so much here, and I know I'm a better person now than I was when I first came, largely due to the friendships and other associations I've made in my time here. I have grown so much and really expanded my horizons (and no, I'm not referring to the Freshman 15), and I will never forget the people--professors, academic advisors, boys I've had crushes on, roommates, Church leaders, and lifelong best friends--who have contributed to that growth. Part of me wants to stay here forever, but I
know it's time for me to leave in order to progress in the ways I want and need to progress.
Originally, I planned to move somewhere near Raleigh. I eventually want to get certified to teach Special Education, and I'm planning on doing that through UNC's Continuing Education program, so I figured I might as well live and work somewhere nearby for networking purposes. Also, because of all the universities in the area, there is a really strong Institute program and, most likely, more opportunities for a social life similar to what I have now (which I love). All of these things seemed exciting and promising enough, but it just kept getting better when my brother and sister-in-law decided to move from Provo to Cary. I've come to be quite close with Brad and Natalie, so I was really looking forward to still living in the same area as them and being able to spend time with them fairly often. I'll be honest, I was also kind of banking on having more dating opportunities, since that hasn't really been much of a part of my BYU experience, even though it's something I really want. Raleigh has, for a long time, seemed like the place in which I could make the most progression in every aspect of my life. Over time, though, I have realized that what I have thought would be hands-down the most beneficial plan of action for me is actually only one of several good options.
Throughout my decision-making process, I've tried to have faith that Heavenly Father would make sure things fell into place for me. I've tried to do my part. I've applied for quite a few jobs in the Raleigh area and haven't heard anything back from them. I haven't had any luck with my housing search either, largely due to the fact that, without a job, I have no idea what I would even be able to afford. Because of these and other issues, I've decided to look for jobs in Mt. Airy and live with my parents for the next year or so.
This was a hard decision to make. I love my family so much and I always enjoy being able to visit them, but for some reason, it's really difficult to be there for extended periods of time. I don't know if it has something to do with the changes in my level of independence, or something else, but I know that after a week or so, I'm usually ready to be gone. So why would I do this to myself? Well, believe it or not, it's because it's going to be the best way for me to progress.
"But wait! I thought you said you needed to have social and dating opportunities! Don't you think that, by living in your small hometown where everyone who is LDS and single is either related to you or really old (or both), you'll be taking a step backward?"
I hear ya. I know the social aspect of things is going to be hard. I'm going to have to travel more than a few blocks to spend time with my friends, and that's going to be a huge adjustment. I've also had to come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm
not going to get married anytime soon,
and that's okay.
I think somewhere along the way, I got it into my head that, since things weren't happening for me in Provo, as soon as I moved away, something would click in the minds of handsome men everywhere that would all of a sudden open up a floodgate of date requests, eventually culminating in a marriage proposal that I'd feel good about saying "yes" to. Because of this, I've tried to grow in my personal life--so that I would be ready whenever the right man came along. I've tried to be better at scripture study and prayer, journaling, being kind to people, serving others, and everything else that I thought would signify that I was ready to be not just any wife, but a
dang good one--one that any man would be lucky to have.
I know now that this is where I've gone wrong. I mean, it's not wrong that I want to be a good wife and mother--I've always known that those two roles are the most important ones I'll ever fill in this life--but for so many years I've been trying to do the right things, but with a purpose that is just a little askew. Yes, I should
always remember that I need to be living worthy of a temple marriage, and have that goal in mind. However, my primary motivation for improving myself shouldn't be my desire to be loved by a handsome Priesthood holder, but my desire to serve the God that I love, to follow His plan for me. That is the desire that will lead me to
real testimony,
real growth, and
real progression.
Though I know I can cultivate that desire anywhere, all things (temporal and spiritual) considered, I feel strongly that spending some time living with my parents is going to be the best path for me. And, miracle of miracles, I feel at peace with that decision. I'm not sure where or when, but I know I'll find a good job. I know I'll be able to accomplish my educational and career goals. I know I'll be married in the temple to a good man. I know I'll be blessed with children to love and raise in the gospel.
I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. His plan is perfect, and it includes not only the things He wants me to experience, but also the
timing in which I will experience them. I know that He is looking out for me, and that He gave me the gift of agency so that I can choose the details of how I reach the milestones He has set in place. I know that if I remain close to Him and listen to the promptings of the Spirit, I cannot go astray, I cannot fail. I know that no decision I make will be free of difficulties or sacrifices, but that I can always count on the Savior to help me through them. I know He will be with me every step of the way as long as I choose to be with Him. (It sure is a good thing North Carolina is the closest thing to heaven on this earth.)
