But sometimes when I look into these precious children's eyes, I wonder if I'll ever have my own. I know this may be the most obvious statement ever made on this blog, but I want a family so badly. I want to be a wife and a mother. Most of the time I feel like those things are all in store for me someday, but sometimes it feels like a dream for some distant future, perhaps not even in this life. And that's ok if that's what Heavenly Father's plan for me entails, but I'd be lying if I said it felt ok right at this moment. Tonight when I was snuggling those babies, my heart hurt, my throat got tight, and my eyes kept getting soggy. I didn't want to have a breakdown in front of my family, so I drove to the temple. I'm sitting here now, and even though the grounds are closed and therefore the gates are locked, even just sitting and looking at it fills me with this intense peace and comfort about everything.
I have now started five or six prayers trying to express my despair with my current situation and pleading with Heavenly Father for some answers regarding whether I should stay where I am or go somewhere else to seek these things. But each time I have tried that prayer, His Spirit has quieted my fears, spoken peace to my soul, and removed all those frustrated words from my vocabulary. I still don't have any specific answers, but I have what I need: the quiet, calm assurance that He knows me, He hears me, He is looking out for me, and He intends to bless me with joy, beauty, and love so far beyond anything I could even try and conjure up in my daydreams. And that's enough for now.
