Reason #2,347,934,857,134 why I love the South

I knew when I got this transcript from Google Voice that this voicemail was gonna be good. . . .  "Hey Gary, This is Gabby from Information Services. I have a gentleman that he would talk to you if you could speak and not cheddar cheese, please. But this is due open this up his be on the other day wide open, and eighties he's fun. Hard to speak to people in and getting it worked. Has it. So, call us, so this is gamby come over to 2nd floor, it's Matt, and find his office and safety said we'll talk to you soon. Hope you get the message. I love your little message thing funny. Bye bye." What it really says:   "Hello Gary, this is Gabby from Information Services. I have a gentleman, uh, he would talk to you if he could speak and not chatter his teeth. hahaha! But he said you opened up his vent the other day wide open, and he's finding it hard to speak to people and get any words to come out (!!!), it's so cold. So, this is Gabby, come over to the second floor, it's Matt (lastname) and find his office and . . . fix it! hahaha! We'll talk to you soon. Hope you get the message. I love your little message thing. Ha. Funny. Bye bye." And, for those of you who haven't heard it, my "little message thing" is my singing M-E-S-S-A-G-E (to the tune of Aretha Franklin's RESPECT). . . . Apparently she didn't get the hint that I am not, in fact, a janitor at Baptist Hospital named Gary, but a female college student.

The dreams we have as children . . .

Fade Away. Kind of my theme song right now. Oh I do so love Noel Gallagher.

When I was young, I thought I had my own key.

I knew exactly what I wanted to be.
Now I'm sure you've boarded up every door.

Lived in a bubble; days were never ending,

Was not concerned about what life was sending.

Fantasy was real. Now I know much about the way I feel.

I'll paint you the picture, 'cause I don't think you live round here no more.

I've never even seen the key to the door.

We only get what we will settle for.

While we're living, the dreams we have as children fade away.

Now my life has turned another corner

I think it's only best that I should warn you:

Dream it while you can. Maybe someday I'll make you understand.

I'll paint you the picture, 'cause I don't think you live round here no more. 

I've never even seen the key to the door.

We only get what we will settle for.

While we're living, the dreams we have as children fade away.
  

When I listen to this song, I think back to my past and all the different dreams I've had. And wow, so much variety! At four years old I wanted to be Big Bird. Like most children, I had dreams of being an astronaut, firefighter, doctor, and even a farmer. I've wanted to be a professional singer, an actress on Broadway, and at least 3 different kinds of teachers. Now, at 21 years old, I still want to be a teacher, but mostly I want to be a mommy. (And I still want to go to space.)

This song also makes me think of the reasons why some of those dreams have faded away. Except for the time when the realization that Big Bird was a boy was what dashed my dream against a rock, it has often been my own attitudes, fears and insecurities that have kept me from following dreams of all sizes.

Examples:
1. My freshman year, the prospect of an audition frightened me away from my dream of being a music teacher.
2. As for the dating/marriage/becoming-a-mommy department, I've had countless crushes on boys and done nothing about it, I suppose because I refuse to get my hopes up for their liking me when there are so many other gorgeous and wonderful girls.
3. I want to go to space, but it costs too much money. But if I really wanted to do it and felt like it was something that would benefit my life like nothing else could, couldn't I be doing something to make it happen?

Now, I want to make it clear that I don't feel like I'm settling for anything less by following my most recent dreams. In fact, I'm sure that the roles of mommy and teacher will be a million times better for me than that whole Big Bird thing. But what does feel like "settling" is this feeling I get when I do that awful thing called "comparing myself to other people." I am getting a college degree this year, and I have decided that grad school is not what I want or need. So while I feel like I have been successful in my schooling, sometimes I focus more on what I could have done or could go on to do instead of what I have decided is the best course of action for me. I am hard on myself for not dreaming bigger, so the luster of my chosen dreams is lost in what is almost a feeling of guilt. Guilt for being happy with the choices I have made, choices that I know are going to be of the most eternal importance for me. Choices that God has assured me are perfectly fine, but that I sometimes doubt as I see others my age taking different -- but equally wonderful -- paths.

This is my last semester of college; my life is turning another corner. Instead of feeling the enormity of it all -- because let's face it, the possibilities are basically limitless at this point -- I sometimes feel like I can't dream big anymore, or like I haven't been dreaming big enough. I see some aspects of the path ahead of me (specifically the career aspect) as limited, and the choices I've made in the past couple of years as the limiters.

Bottom line: I have been the biggest obstacle to myself in achieving my dreams, and though I have met some of my goals and obtained some things I've dreamed of, those what-ifs and could-have-beens often overshadow the excitement that I should feel for having accomplished them. Thus, the real misfortune is not evident in the dreams that have faded away as I've changed my mind about what I want to do or what is good for me, but rather in the fading of my satisfaction with dreams already achieved.

I'm not saying that I shouldn't keep dreaming. On the contrary, I hope I never stop hoping and working to improve my life and the lives of those around me with the goals I pursue. But I cannot get caught up in feeling inadequate or of lesser worth simply because my dreams are different from those of other people.

So, as Mr. Gallagher says, "dream it while you can." Enjoy your dreams, even some of the more unrealistic or impractical ones. My added advice is to appreciate and never regret any of those dreams, fulfilled or not. Take pride in the dreams you choose to achieve; you chose them for a reason.

You know you're a nerd when . . .

You know you're a nerd (and in the right major) when you take a 300-level class in your second language just for fun.

That's right. I was reading El Libro de Mormón the other day and realized that I wasn't quite done with Spanish classes at BYU. I've been taking them for 3 years now, and I originally wasn't registered for any this semester, but as of Wednesday that changed. I'm taking Survey of Hispanic Linguistics, which is basically going to be the exact same stuff we talked about in my introductory linguistics course, but in Spanish. I'm excited to learn to think and speak a little more academically in Spanish. I kind of feel like it's a big step. Should be great!

Even besides that class, I am looking forward to this semester. It is going to be a lot of work, but all of my classes are dealing with topics that I enjoy learning about. Plus it's my last one, so it better be great!

Other highlights-to-be for this semester:
--I'm taking private voice instruction. I told them I wanted to learn how to sing like a black woman, and by golly that's what they're gonna teach me to do!
--I'm taking creative writing. Expect blog posts with my work from that class.
--Somehow, some way, some day (hopefully within the next few months), I am going to go see Greg, Jayne and Penny. And I will spoil this cuteness until she's as rotten as her Auntie Katelyn:

I'm finally allowed to say something

All the vagueness from this morning's post can dissipate now. Penny was born this afternoon! 9 pounds 7 ounces. Jayne is Wonder Woman or something. I'm sad that I can't be there to hold my niece, but I love her all the same and I'm so happy for (and proud of) Greg and Jayne. They are living the dream!

Time for another vague blog post!

I'm about to explode with happiness. I woke up at 6:30 after about 4 hours of sleep, made the mistake of looking at my texts, and now I can't go back to sleep. Because I'm waiting. Because I'm giddy. Because I already love a person who I haven't even met. I know my brother thinks I'm a freak, but it's not my fault I'm so good at loving people.

To be continued.