The dreams we have as children . . .

Fade Away. Kind of my theme song right now. Oh I do so love Noel Gallagher.

When I was young, I thought I had my own key.

I knew exactly what I wanted to be.
Now I'm sure you've boarded up every door.

Lived in a bubble; days were never ending,

Was not concerned about what life was sending.

Fantasy was real. Now I know much about the way I feel.

I'll paint you the picture, 'cause I don't think you live round here no more.

I've never even seen the key to the door.

We only get what we will settle for.

While we're living, the dreams we have as children fade away.

Now my life has turned another corner

I think it's only best that I should warn you:

Dream it while you can. Maybe someday I'll make you understand.

I'll paint you the picture, 'cause I don't think you live round here no more. 

I've never even seen the key to the door.

We only get what we will settle for.

While we're living, the dreams we have as children fade away.
  

When I listen to this song, I think back to my past and all the different dreams I've had. And wow, so much variety! At four years old I wanted to be Big Bird. Like most children, I had dreams of being an astronaut, firefighter, doctor, and even a farmer. I've wanted to be a professional singer, an actress on Broadway, and at least 3 different kinds of teachers. Now, at 21 years old, I still want to be a teacher, but mostly I want to be a mommy. (And I still want to go to space.)

This song also makes me think of the reasons why some of those dreams have faded away. Except for the time when the realization that Big Bird was a boy was what dashed my dream against a rock, it has often been my own attitudes, fears and insecurities that have kept me from following dreams of all sizes.

Examples:
1. My freshman year, the prospect of an audition frightened me away from my dream of being a music teacher.
2. As for the dating/marriage/becoming-a-mommy department, I've had countless crushes on boys and done nothing about it, I suppose because I refuse to get my hopes up for their liking me when there are so many other gorgeous and wonderful girls.
3. I want to go to space, but it costs too much money. But if I really wanted to do it and felt like it was something that would benefit my life like nothing else could, couldn't I be doing something to make it happen?

Now, I want to make it clear that I don't feel like I'm settling for anything less by following my most recent dreams. In fact, I'm sure that the roles of mommy and teacher will be a million times better for me than that whole Big Bird thing. But what does feel like "settling" is this feeling I get when I do that awful thing called "comparing myself to other people." I am getting a college degree this year, and I have decided that grad school is not what I want or need. So while I feel like I have been successful in my schooling, sometimes I focus more on what I could have done or could go on to do instead of what I have decided is the best course of action for me. I am hard on myself for not dreaming bigger, so the luster of my chosen dreams is lost in what is almost a feeling of guilt. Guilt for being happy with the choices I have made, choices that I know are going to be of the most eternal importance for me. Choices that God has assured me are perfectly fine, but that I sometimes doubt as I see others my age taking different -- but equally wonderful -- paths.

This is my last semester of college; my life is turning another corner. Instead of feeling the enormity of it all -- because let's face it, the possibilities are basically limitless at this point -- I sometimes feel like I can't dream big anymore, or like I haven't been dreaming big enough. I see some aspects of the path ahead of me (specifically the career aspect) as limited, and the choices I've made in the past couple of years as the limiters.

Bottom line: I have been the biggest obstacle to myself in achieving my dreams, and though I have met some of my goals and obtained some things I've dreamed of, those what-ifs and could-have-beens often overshadow the excitement that I should feel for having accomplished them. Thus, the real misfortune is not evident in the dreams that have faded away as I've changed my mind about what I want to do or what is good for me, but rather in the fading of my satisfaction with dreams already achieved.

I'm not saying that I shouldn't keep dreaming. On the contrary, I hope I never stop hoping and working to improve my life and the lives of those around me with the goals I pursue. But I cannot get caught up in feeling inadequate or of lesser worth simply because my dreams are different from those of other people.

So, as Mr. Gallagher says, "dream it while you can." Enjoy your dreams, even some of the more unrealistic or impractical ones. My added advice is to appreciate and never regret any of those dreams, fulfilled or not. Take pride in the dreams you choose to achieve; you chose them for a reason.