Learning introversion

If you spend a moderate amount of time on social media sites, you may have seen your friends post articles/blogs/comics with the theme of "How to Treat Your Introvert," or "22 Signs You're Actually An Introvert," or something along those lines. Most of my friends who shared those things did so because they already self-identified as introverts or because they read the piece and realized that their personality leaned more toward introversion than they had previously thought. (Many of them are very sociable, friendly, outgoing people, but realized that their happiest, most emotionally-stable moments were when they had time to themselves.)

On the flip side, reading those pieces made me realize that I am an extravert in the truest sense of the word. I recharge my theoretical batteries with human interactions, especially those that involve touching and laughing. Physical touch is my primary love language, and I actually experience a bit of depression when I go too long without giving or receiving a hug or even an arm-touch from another human. Of course I have my moments when I need pondering time alone, but the majority of my soul yearns for meaningful contact with my peers. And those peers happen to be few and far between in this area (or, at least, it seems that way at the moment).

I want to apologize now because I typically try to keep most of my struggles to myself until I've overcome them, or until I've found a satisfactory way to talk about how I'm working through them without breaking down. I don't like to throw public pity-parties because I want to be a source of uplifting encouragement as much as possible. This time, though, I don't really have the solution, and I didn't know what else to do besides blog; it allows me the freedom of figuring out what the heck I'm feeling by writing it out as it comes to me. (I think that's another evidence of my extraversion--my most effective thinking happens when I'm talking/working it through.)

I just know that I'm getting along okay, but I'm not in the happiest place right now. I can say with absolute certainty that moving back home has been the most difficult thing I've done in my life thus far. I have a lot to be grateful for--I could never deny that--but I never would have thought that being back here, even though I'm close to my family, would feel lonelier than being single at BYU. And if I'm being completely honest, I loved being single at BYU (for a large majority of the time) because it allowed me the time and means to form countless friendships of varying degrees. 

Here, things are different. At the end of a busy workday when we've seen a lot of patients, I feel emotionally charged and fulfilled, but my body is tired. Couple that with the scarcity of people my age who have the same interests and standards as mine, and I end up holing myself up every night, every weekend, with no social events to attend, and very few hugs and laughs relative to what I would consider completely gratifying. This week I realized that I've gotten to the point where I can't tell the difference between my extraversion and selfish neediness, and that scares me. I know I need to be around people to be happy, but I don't want to be around them if I'm feeling more concerned with what they can offer me than how I can serve and bless them. To get really technical with it, I'd say I'm in a funk that I just can't shake.   

Out of necessity, I have started trying to cultivate the introverted portion of my personality. Increasing the amount of time I spend developing my faith and spirituality has been the best and most-comforting option so far. Reading more books instead of watching Netflix nonstop is another change that I'm working on that seems to help me be more satisfied in my solitude. Because I like myself just fine, I'm perfectly comfortable going out to lunch, going to movies, and going shopping alone, so I do those things quite often. But a lot of that comfort comes from the opportunity to people-watch in those situations. I may not be communicating with them, but being near a lot of people is still like a breath of fresh air for me, no matter how shallow that breath may be.

I know this is where I was supposed to be a year ago, and I feel like it's still the right place regardless of these challenges, at least until I figure out what my next step is. But if anyone knows how (or if) an extravert can have a satisfying lifestyle in a small, isolated town, pointers and prayers are welcome. 

What's All That Noise About Boys?

A few weeks ago I had the chance to meet up with Isaac, a friend from my freshman year at BYU. I hadn't seen him in at least 2 years, so it was really fun to catch up with him for a bit as he was in the area. As I do anytime I have an enjoyable and memorable experience with a friend, I posted the picture on instagram and facebook.

You wouldn't believe the response I got. The following Sunday at church, I had at no fewer than 5 people ask me about "that tall boy in the picture," and at least one family friend asked my mom, "Now, how is Katelyn?" while making some reference to the picture. All I can figure is I don't post enough pictures of me with boys, so people get overly-excited when there's evidence that I'm friends with one. So this one goes out to all my loving friends and family members. And to my multitude of handsome man-friends.

The culprit. He is definitely tall. He is also funny and motivated, and you just can't help but appreciate his high-energy outlook on everything. 

This is Josh. He's going to be famous one day soon. And we share a birthday, so that's always bonded us. He is also amazing at giving sincere compliments and telling people when and why he appreciates them. 

Jeremy started out as my home teacher and became a really good friend. 

Ryan is probably the kindest person on earth, but he can strongly express his opinion when he needs to. He is, to me, the embodiment of meekness. And he's not weird, he's unique. 

I can't post pictures of boy friends without posting this one of Joey and me, which may be my favorite picture of all time. Which means you'll probably see it every year on his birthday. We're just so dang good-looking! Not to mention he is kind, smart, and important and one of the bravest people I know.

BenBen! (His real name is Nathan and sometimes I forget that.) He is always silly with me. We have an idea for an invention that is going to change the world someday and make us millions. And if not, at least we got a full hour and a half of bellyaching laughter over it. He makes me smile every time I talk to him. 

Brady. He appreciates NC as much as if he were a native. He also just knows how to be a fun, laid-back, good friend. (Side note: This is just the first of many mustache pictures to come, and you've seen all of them before too.)

Eric. He is an NC native. He is brilliant. He holds incredibly thought-provoking conversations and has awesome perspectives on life. He also likes the Avett Brothers, so rock on.

Gregory! He's super smart and appreciates dorky humor with me. He is also a good person to get nerdy about Linguistics with. 

Kevin, A.K.A. Laverl. We were pretty much instant friends when we met, and we got to work together in our church callings. We had tons of fun planning activities including a winter campout (with pancakes and chili for dinner) as well as a 2AM Thriller dance-learning session. And let's not forget the neverending search for tablecloths.  Also, he sealed the "awesome friend" deal when he came and visited me in NC last year. 

Ohhhhh Mawk. One of the most driven, inspiring, devilishly handsome people I have the privilege of being friends with. 

Clark: fake fiance and fantastic forever friend. He is always up for serious, soul-searching conversation as well as lightheartedness and laughter. The motto of our friendship: Ain't no valley high, ain't no mountain low. 

Eric! We only met a few months before I moved away from Utah, but he is so warm and friendly.  

CJ. Don't let the babyface fool you, he's got a good little streak of fire in him. But he has a good sense of when to be laid-back and when to be passionate. He's also very smart and fun-loving. 

Good ol' Chad. Very patient, as he put up with a lot of crap from some of us girls. Lover of a good prank. Can Beyoncé his booty 10 times better than I can. 

Dan. He is really good at conversation and making people feel important. And he's getting married this weekend! Woohoo!

Dude, it's David. He's chill, loving, and genuinely interested in the life and unique story of each person he meets. 

Pablísimo! He is multitalented and always learning something new. He cooks great food, and when he laughs, he means it. 

Jesse, another of my NC friends. He's super talented and easygoing. 

Sam and Steven. They were part of my dinner group. Both hilarious and affectionate in their own (very different) ways. 

The silliest, most wonderful Spencer. He's really good at having fun, but he's also very compassionate, and when people are important to him, he expresses that love and appreciation very sincerely.

I just felt like it was fitting for Joey to get multiple pictures because he has kind of always been there in my life. And this is but a glimpse of why I keep him in it. 

Ty, the original college bestie. When looking through my photos I got sad because I realized he and I only have like 2 pictures together after 6 years of friendship. Apparently we didn't have many picture-worthy moments, I thought. But now I'm kind of glad because maybe it means we were just too busy enjoying our awesome friendship to interrupt it with a camera flash.

And now that I've compiled all of these I should admit that I did have to go back to pictures taken more than a year ago to find all of these, not to mention half of these guys are married now. So if there are any handsome men out there who would like to be featured in a more current collection of photographs with me, just holla at yo' girl.

Changes for the better

Oh, media cleanse, how did I love thee? Let my readers bear with me as I get really wordy while counting the ways:

For two weeks, I went without facebook, instagram, twitter, google+, movies, netflix, hulu, or youtube, all of which have consumed an embarrassing majority of my time over the past 6+ years. (This is no exaggeration, and I'm not making light of anything; I have truly had an addiction for much of the time these tools have been in existence. Only recently have I realized the effect that the overconsumption of media and social networking has had on my spiritual and emotional health enough to want to change those habits; that addiction is much of what spurred my desire to participate in this cleanse.)

For two weeks, I had incredibly few thoughts that I wasn't nice enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, tan enough, funny enough, cool enough, or _______ enough (Insert quality of choice, no matter how superficial.). 

In those two weeks, I realized for the first time that even though the media and social pressure can provide the ammunition for those negative thoughts, I'm the one who ultimately thinks them. I have the power to choose what messages I will internalize, and if something is harmful to me, I have every right to turf it. Furthermore, I have the right--and I'd go as far to say as the responsibility to myself--to replace it with something that is good for me, something that uplifts instead of degrades, that brings joy and light instead of depression and darkness. I don't have to fall victim to the constant barrage of negativity that, just as an example, puts down some women for being too fat and others for being too thin, all the while forgetting that our worth comes from who we are and what we do, not what we look like. 

During those two weeks, hearing other friends talk negatively about themselves and their bodies was emotionally painful for me. I started to wonder how many times I had participated in such talk about myself, only to be flooded with countless memories of specific instances when I had done so, especially in reference to my size and my fair, virtually un-tannable skin. But why would I ever put down such a wondrous creation? Most of us wouldn't dare say the things about our friends' bodies that we say about our own, so why should we entertain negative thoughts about the amazing, intricate, beautiful bodies we have, bodies that are capable of so many wonderful things? 

I'm not saying that all my self-esteem issues have vanished in two weeks, but by golly have they become a lot more manageable. Because I started internalizing the idea that my body is worth more than what it looks like,  I let myself do and feel and experience things without body-monitoring myself into self-consciousness and feelings of worthlessness. 

I spent less time looking down to see if my walk was attractive or if my legs looked long enough in my pants or if my belly was sucked in enough to hide the rollage at my waistline. Even in my swimsuit at the beach and the pool, I wasn't constantly looking in mirrors or windows to make sure I was sucking in enough to hide my belly. Instead, I found myself looking up and out, allowing myself to see the beauty in the world around me, both in scenery and in humanity. I perceived the people around me as humans with lives to be celebrated, not bodies with parts to be compared to my own. As I encountered strangers, I wondered more about their interests and hobbies than I did their diet or exercise habits or how they found clothes that looked so good on them. I chose to experience life as a complex, real person interacting with complex, real people, not as a consumer sponge soaking up superficial images and judgmental, negative attitudes. 

For two weeks, I participated in more wholesome recreation -- more guitar-playing and singing than I've taken the time to enjoy in a long while, a couple of sewing projects, reading a couple of novels, driving through less-familiar parts of my breathtakingly beautiful hometown for no reason, and letting myself experience things without being so concerned about proving that I did them, or seeing what other people thought about them, or wondering how many likes or comments I'd get if I posted about them. 

In other words, for the first time in a long time, I had two full weeks of living my life for the joy of living it instead of living for others' opinions on it. And it was overwhelmingly liberating. 

For two weeks, I made an effort to have more face-to-face interaction with my family than I was used to having . . . and yet, somehow, that translated to fewer arguments and frustrations with them. I tried to provide more service to them, more love for them, more forgiveness and patience for their shortcomings, and more acknowledgement of their virtues. I don't know if they realize this, but they gave it right back to me, too. 

For two weeks (and counting), I have had more powerful scripture study than I've had in at least two years. In those two weeks, I had the privilege of finishing The Book of Mormon again. (News flash: it's still mega-true.) I had forgotten what it was like to read the scriptures daily and actually have sacred, special, uplifting insights every time--but that's what I experienced, because I was finally doing it out of genuine desire to learn and grow. That desire is something I've prayed for for a while, and all I had to do was show my Heavenly Father that I was ready to do what it took to receive it and willing to change based on the inspiration I received. 

All this came about because I made simple changes in how I spent my time. Those changes made it easier to improve the attitude with which I greeted myself in the mirror each morning. And though I do not feel the need to go into detail about some of the struggles I've been facing over the past few months, I want to share that now I truly know that I can do all things through Christ, and that strengthens me more than I ever let myself believe it could. I'm ready to change for the better and progress in ways I've only dreamed of until now. I feel extremely loved, blessed, and hopeful. 

I Am Beauty Redefined

I just decided that, beginning today (Saturday, June 15th), I am participating in this media fast for a period of 2 weeks. I love beautyRedefined and their crusade for a healthier spirit and body based on an understanding that our worth stems from our being human, not from looking a certain way. Check out more of their articles, blog posts, and resources at http://www.beautyredefined.net/.

So. For two weeks, no facebook, no instagram, no movies, no TV, no youtube, no viewing or participating in anything that could be a distraction from--or destruction of--my spiritual and mental well-being.

My parents and brother would be able to confirm that this means a whole lot of not doing stuff that I have been doing way too often as of late. (This also means you won't be getting the update on my One Direction concert attendance until a week after it happens, but don't worry--I'll chronicle every moment in a detailed post later so you won't miss out. You're welcome.)

Anyway, I figure since I won't be doing so many of the mostly-pointless things I've been filling my life with lately, I should find a way to be productive with my newly-found spare time. Here are my goals for the next two weeks as relevant to this media fast, but in reality they'll likely become my goals for the rest of my life.

1. Make realistic plans for each day that include at least 30 minutes of scripture reading, an equal amount of time for fun exercise (which may mean quite a bit of this), some enriching leisure time, and at least one act of service.
2. Focus any health or fitness efforts on becoming healthier and stronger, not skinnier or more attractive.
3. Be flexible. I don't mean that I want to be willing to change any of these goals at the drop of a hat. I want to literally become more flexible. I'll stretch every night before bed and when I wake up in the morning. I'd also like to add in a day or two of yoga throughout the week.
4. Tell myself--in the mirror, aloud--that I am of infinite worth, regardless of how my body looks.
5. Quit comparing myself to others. I want to come to a true appreciation for my body so that I will want to keep it healthy. That is, I want any improvements I make in my life to be motivated by love for my body, not by self-loathing.

So there it is. I'm peacing out for now, but feel free to tune back in on the 29th to read about how it went. If you want to join me in this media fast for any period of time, I'd love to hear about your experiences!

See also: How Swimming Changed My Body Image
                Why I Am Beautiful

Intro to Hashtagging

Dear World, 

I love you, but I have to talk to you about something. That something is The Hashtag. You know, the little number symbol followed by words? If you've never seen one, you've probably been living under a rock, as they are all over social media these days. The problem is that half the people who use them have no concept of how they're supposed to be used. So here's a quick, kind of mean-sounding instruction manual. Just remember that I love you. 

1. Hashtags were invented for the categorization of posts--not for sentence-long punch lines, no matter how clever or unique they are. In fact, the more unique the hashtag content, the more useless it is. The function of a  hashtag is to link you to other posts or photos with similar content. It really is a pretty neat way of exploring various topics. But if you're tagging things like

#heyitsallgoodivestillgotfivecookieslefteventhoughiatethewholecake, 

you've accomplished nothing. Unless, of course, you use some really out-there hashtag that is only used by one other person in the whole world and you turn out to be soulmates. So if you're goal is to meet your soulmate because of horrible hashtagging, #makelikethesugarhillgangandjumponit

2. This is somewhat related to number 1, but I feel like it needs its own number for some extra emphasis. Much of the humor that may be found in your milelongstringofwordsallsmooshedtogetherlikethis is often lost in the effort to decipher the dern thing. If you wanna be funny, find a way to do it without making a useless, headache-inducing hashtag.

3. On the flip side, #never #tag #every #word #in #a #sentence. That's just as much of a headacher. And really, who is going to want to search something like #a?! 

4. You can't use punctuation in the middle of your hashtags. If you're using them on a social media platform where they're actually functional (see number 5), the linked portion will end at your first punctuation mark. So if I were to write #it'sthemostwonderfultimeoftheyear, the only portion that would be linked to anything would be the #it. I really like proper punctuation, so this kinda makes me sad, but it's a little easier to avoid that sort of thing if you're not going against lessons 1 and 2 in the first place.

5. Hashtags are absolutely useless on facebook.

          Update 6/12/13: According to this article, lesson 5 is no longer true. This just may be what finally breaks my facebook addiction.

#runandtellthat