Learning introversion

If you spend a moderate amount of time on social media sites, you may have seen your friends post articles/blogs/comics with the theme of "How to Treat Your Introvert," or "22 Signs You're Actually An Introvert," or something along those lines. Most of my friends who shared those things did so because they already self-identified as introverts or because they read the piece and realized that their personality leaned more toward introversion than they had previously thought. (Many of them are very sociable, friendly, outgoing people, but realized that their happiest, most emotionally-stable moments were when they had time to themselves.)

On the flip side, reading those pieces made me realize that I am an extravert in the truest sense of the word. I recharge my theoretical batteries with human interactions, especially those that involve touching and laughing. Physical touch is my primary love language, and I actually experience a bit of depression when I go too long without giving or receiving a hug or even an arm-touch from another human. Of course I have my moments when I need pondering time alone, but the majority of my soul yearns for meaningful contact with my peers. And those peers happen to be few and far between in this area (or, at least, it seems that way at the moment).

I want to apologize now because I typically try to keep most of my struggles to myself until I've overcome them, or until I've found a satisfactory way to talk about how I'm working through them without breaking down. I don't like to throw public pity-parties because I want to be a source of uplifting encouragement as much as possible. This time, though, I don't really have the solution, and I didn't know what else to do besides blog; it allows me the freedom of figuring out what the heck I'm feeling by writing it out as it comes to me. (I think that's another evidence of my extraversion--my most effective thinking happens when I'm talking/working it through.)

I just know that I'm getting along okay, but I'm not in the happiest place right now. I can say with absolute certainty that moving back home has been the most difficult thing I've done in my life thus far. I have a lot to be grateful for--I could never deny that--but I never would have thought that being back here, even though I'm close to my family, would feel lonelier than being single at BYU. And if I'm being completely honest, I loved being single at BYU (for a large majority of the time) because it allowed me the time and means to form countless friendships of varying degrees. 

Here, things are different. At the end of a busy workday when we've seen a lot of patients, I feel emotionally charged and fulfilled, but my body is tired. Couple that with the scarcity of people my age who have the same interests and standards as mine, and I end up holing myself up every night, every weekend, with no social events to attend, and very few hugs and laughs relative to what I would consider completely gratifying. This week I realized that I've gotten to the point where I can't tell the difference between my extraversion and selfish neediness, and that scares me. I know I need to be around people to be happy, but I don't want to be around them if I'm feeling more concerned with what they can offer me than how I can serve and bless them. To get really technical with it, I'd say I'm in a funk that I just can't shake.   

Out of necessity, I have started trying to cultivate the introverted portion of my personality. Increasing the amount of time I spend developing my faith and spirituality has been the best and most-comforting option so far. Reading more books instead of watching Netflix nonstop is another change that I'm working on that seems to help me be more satisfied in my solitude. Because I like myself just fine, I'm perfectly comfortable going out to lunch, going to movies, and going shopping alone, so I do those things quite often. But a lot of that comfort comes from the opportunity to people-watch in those situations. I may not be communicating with them, but being near a lot of people is still like a breath of fresh air for me, no matter how shallow that breath may be.

I know this is where I was supposed to be a year ago, and I feel like it's still the right place regardless of these challenges, at least until I figure out what my next step is. But if anyone knows how (or if) an extravert can have a satisfying lifestyle in a small, isolated town, pointers and prayers are welcome.