Changes for the better

Oh, media cleanse, how did I love thee? Let my readers bear with me as I get really wordy while counting the ways:

For two weeks, I went without facebook, instagram, twitter, google+, movies, netflix, hulu, or youtube, all of which have consumed an embarrassing majority of my time over the past 6+ years. (This is no exaggeration, and I'm not making light of anything; I have truly had an addiction for much of the time these tools have been in existence. Only recently have I realized the effect that the overconsumption of media and social networking has had on my spiritual and emotional health enough to want to change those habits; that addiction is much of what spurred my desire to participate in this cleanse.)

For two weeks, I had incredibly few thoughts that I wasn't nice enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, tan enough, funny enough, cool enough, or _______ enough (Insert quality of choice, no matter how superficial.). 

In those two weeks, I realized for the first time that even though the media and social pressure can provide the ammunition for those negative thoughts, I'm the one who ultimately thinks them. I have the power to choose what messages I will internalize, and if something is harmful to me, I have every right to turf it. Furthermore, I have the right--and I'd go as far to say as the responsibility to myself--to replace it with something that is good for me, something that uplifts instead of degrades, that brings joy and light instead of depression and darkness. I don't have to fall victim to the constant barrage of negativity that, just as an example, puts down some women for being too fat and others for being too thin, all the while forgetting that our worth comes from who we are and what we do, not what we look like. 

During those two weeks, hearing other friends talk negatively about themselves and their bodies was emotionally painful for me. I started to wonder how many times I had participated in such talk about myself, only to be flooded with countless memories of specific instances when I had done so, especially in reference to my size and my fair, virtually un-tannable skin. But why would I ever put down such a wondrous creation? Most of us wouldn't dare say the things about our friends' bodies that we say about our own, so why should we entertain negative thoughts about the amazing, intricate, beautiful bodies we have, bodies that are capable of so many wonderful things? 

I'm not saying that all my self-esteem issues have vanished in two weeks, but by golly have they become a lot more manageable. Because I started internalizing the idea that my body is worth more than what it looks like,  I let myself do and feel and experience things without body-monitoring myself into self-consciousness and feelings of worthlessness. 

I spent less time looking down to see if my walk was attractive or if my legs looked long enough in my pants or if my belly was sucked in enough to hide the rollage at my waistline. Even in my swimsuit at the beach and the pool, I wasn't constantly looking in mirrors or windows to make sure I was sucking in enough to hide my belly. Instead, I found myself looking up and out, allowing myself to see the beauty in the world around me, both in scenery and in humanity. I perceived the people around me as humans with lives to be celebrated, not bodies with parts to be compared to my own. As I encountered strangers, I wondered more about their interests and hobbies than I did their diet or exercise habits or how they found clothes that looked so good on them. I chose to experience life as a complex, real person interacting with complex, real people, not as a consumer sponge soaking up superficial images and judgmental, negative attitudes. 

For two weeks, I participated in more wholesome recreation -- more guitar-playing and singing than I've taken the time to enjoy in a long while, a couple of sewing projects, reading a couple of novels, driving through less-familiar parts of my breathtakingly beautiful hometown for no reason, and letting myself experience things without being so concerned about proving that I did them, or seeing what other people thought about them, or wondering how many likes or comments I'd get if I posted about them. 

In other words, for the first time in a long time, I had two full weeks of living my life for the joy of living it instead of living for others' opinions on it. And it was overwhelmingly liberating. 

For two weeks, I made an effort to have more face-to-face interaction with my family than I was used to having . . . and yet, somehow, that translated to fewer arguments and frustrations with them. I tried to provide more service to them, more love for them, more forgiveness and patience for their shortcomings, and more acknowledgement of their virtues. I don't know if they realize this, but they gave it right back to me, too. 

For two weeks (and counting), I have had more powerful scripture study than I've had in at least two years. In those two weeks, I had the privilege of finishing The Book of Mormon again. (News flash: it's still mega-true.) I had forgotten what it was like to read the scriptures daily and actually have sacred, special, uplifting insights every time--but that's what I experienced, because I was finally doing it out of genuine desire to learn and grow. That desire is something I've prayed for for a while, and all I had to do was show my Heavenly Father that I was ready to do what it took to receive it and willing to change based on the inspiration I received. 

All this came about because I made simple changes in how I spent my time. Those changes made it easier to improve the attitude with which I greeted myself in the mirror each morning. And though I do not feel the need to go into detail about some of the struggles I've been facing over the past few months, I want to share that now I truly know that I can do all things through Christ, and that strengthens me more than I ever let myself believe it could. I'm ready to change for the better and progress in ways I've only dreamed of until now. I feel extremely loved, blessed, and hopeful.