Changes for the better

Oh, media cleanse, how did I love thee? Let my readers bear with me as I get really wordy while counting the ways:

For two weeks, I went without facebook, instagram, twitter, google+, movies, netflix, hulu, or youtube, all of which have consumed an embarrassing majority of my time over the past 6+ years. (This is no exaggeration, and I'm not making light of anything; I have truly had an addiction for much of the time these tools have been in existence. Only recently have I realized the effect that the overconsumption of media and social networking has had on my spiritual and emotional health enough to want to change those habits; that addiction is much of what spurred my desire to participate in this cleanse.)

For two weeks, I had incredibly few thoughts that I wasn't nice enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, tan enough, funny enough, cool enough, or _______ enough (Insert quality of choice, no matter how superficial.). 

In those two weeks, I realized for the first time that even though the media and social pressure can provide the ammunition for those negative thoughts, I'm the one who ultimately thinks them. I have the power to choose what messages I will internalize, and if something is harmful to me, I have every right to turf it. Furthermore, I have the right--and I'd go as far to say as the responsibility to myself--to replace it with something that is good for me, something that uplifts instead of degrades, that brings joy and light instead of depression and darkness. I don't have to fall victim to the constant barrage of negativity that, just as an example, puts down some women for being too fat and others for being too thin, all the while forgetting that our worth comes from who we are and what we do, not what we look like. 

During those two weeks, hearing other friends talk negatively about themselves and their bodies was emotionally painful for me. I started to wonder how many times I had participated in such talk about myself, only to be flooded with countless memories of specific instances when I had done so, especially in reference to my size and my fair, virtually un-tannable skin. But why would I ever put down such a wondrous creation? Most of us wouldn't dare say the things about our friends' bodies that we say about our own, so why should we entertain negative thoughts about the amazing, intricate, beautiful bodies we have, bodies that are capable of so many wonderful things? 

I'm not saying that all my self-esteem issues have vanished in two weeks, but by golly have they become a lot more manageable. Because I started internalizing the idea that my body is worth more than what it looks like,  I let myself do and feel and experience things without body-monitoring myself into self-consciousness and feelings of worthlessness. 

I spent less time looking down to see if my walk was attractive or if my legs looked long enough in my pants or if my belly was sucked in enough to hide the rollage at my waistline. Even in my swimsuit at the beach and the pool, I wasn't constantly looking in mirrors or windows to make sure I was sucking in enough to hide my belly. Instead, I found myself looking up and out, allowing myself to see the beauty in the world around me, both in scenery and in humanity. I perceived the people around me as humans with lives to be celebrated, not bodies with parts to be compared to my own. As I encountered strangers, I wondered more about their interests and hobbies than I did their diet or exercise habits or how they found clothes that looked so good on them. I chose to experience life as a complex, real person interacting with complex, real people, not as a consumer sponge soaking up superficial images and judgmental, negative attitudes. 

For two weeks, I participated in more wholesome recreation -- more guitar-playing and singing than I've taken the time to enjoy in a long while, a couple of sewing projects, reading a couple of novels, driving through less-familiar parts of my breathtakingly beautiful hometown for no reason, and letting myself experience things without being so concerned about proving that I did them, or seeing what other people thought about them, or wondering how many likes or comments I'd get if I posted about them. 

In other words, for the first time in a long time, I had two full weeks of living my life for the joy of living it instead of living for others' opinions on it. And it was overwhelmingly liberating. 

For two weeks, I made an effort to have more face-to-face interaction with my family than I was used to having . . . and yet, somehow, that translated to fewer arguments and frustrations with them. I tried to provide more service to them, more love for them, more forgiveness and patience for their shortcomings, and more acknowledgement of their virtues. I don't know if they realize this, but they gave it right back to me, too. 

For two weeks (and counting), I have had more powerful scripture study than I've had in at least two years. In those two weeks, I had the privilege of finishing The Book of Mormon again. (News flash: it's still mega-true.) I had forgotten what it was like to read the scriptures daily and actually have sacred, special, uplifting insights every time--but that's what I experienced, because I was finally doing it out of genuine desire to learn and grow. That desire is something I've prayed for for a while, and all I had to do was show my Heavenly Father that I was ready to do what it took to receive it and willing to change based on the inspiration I received. 

All this came about because I made simple changes in how I spent my time. Those changes made it easier to improve the attitude with which I greeted myself in the mirror each morning. And though I do not feel the need to go into detail about some of the struggles I've been facing over the past few months, I want to share that now I truly know that I can do all things through Christ, and that strengthens me more than I ever let myself believe it could. I'm ready to change for the better and progress in ways I've only dreamed of until now. I feel extremely loved, blessed, and hopeful. 

I Am Beauty Redefined

I just decided that, beginning today (Saturday, June 15th), I am participating in this media fast for a period of 2 weeks. I love beautyRedefined and their crusade for a healthier spirit and body based on an understanding that our worth stems from our being human, not from looking a certain way. Check out more of their articles, blog posts, and resources at http://www.beautyredefined.net/.

So. For two weeks, no facebook, no instagram, no movies, no TV, no youtube, no viewing or participating in anything that could be a distraction from--or destruction of--my spiritual and mental well-being.

My parents and brother would be able to confirm that this means a whole lot of not doing stuff that I have been doing way too often as of late. (This also means you won't be getting the update on my One Direction concert attendance until a week after it happens, but don't worry--I'll chronicle every moment in a detailed post later so you won't miss out. You're welcome.)

Anyway, I figure since I won't be doing so many of the mostly-pointless things I've been filling my life with lately, I should find a way to be productive with my newly-found spare time. Here are my goals for the next two weeks as relevant to this media fast, but in reality they'll likely become my goals for the rest of my life.

1. Make realistic plans for each day that include at least 30 minutes of scripture reading, an equal amount of time for fun exercise (which may mean quite a bit of this), some enriching leisure time, and at least one act of service.
2. Focus any health or fitness efforts on becoming healthier and stronger, not skinnier or more attractive.
3. Be flexible. I don't mean that I want to be willing to change any of these goals at the drop of a hat. I want to literally become more flexible. I'll stretch every night before bed and when I wake up in the morning. I'd also like to add in a day or two of yoga throughout the week.
4. Tell myself--in the mirror, aloud--that I am of infinite worth, regardless of how my body looks.
5. Quit comparing myself to others. I want to come to a true appreciation for my body so that I will want to keep it healthy. That is, I want any improvements I make in my life to be motivated by love for my body, not by self-loathing.

So there it is. I'm peacing out for now, but feel free to tune back in on the 29th to read about how it went. If you want to join me in this media fast for any period of time, I'd love to hear about your experiences!

See also: How Swimming Changed My Body Image
                Why I Am Beautiful

Intro to Hashtagging

Dear World, 

I love you, but I have to talk to you about something. That something is The Hashtag. You know, the little number symbol followed by words? If you've never seen one, you've probably been living under a rock, as they are all over social media these days. The problem is that half the people who use them have no concept of how they're supposed to be used. So here's a quick, kind of mean-sounding instruction manual. Just remember that I love you. 

1. Hashtags were invented for the categorization of posts--not for sentence-long punch lines, no matter how clever or unique they are. In fact, the more unique the hashtag content, the more useless it is. The function of a  hashtag is to link you to other posts or photos with similar content. It really is a pretty neat way of exploring various topics. But if you're tagging things like

#heyitsallgoodivestillgotfivecookieslefteventhoughiatethewholecake, 

you've accomplished nothing. Unless, of course, you use some really out-there hashtag that is only used by one other person in the whole world and you turn out to be soulmates. So if you're goal is to meet your soulmate because of horrible hashtagging, #makelikethesugarhillgangandjumponit

2. This is somewhat related to number 1, but I feel like it needs its own number for some extra emphasis. Much of the humor that may be found in your milelongstringofwordsallsmooshedtogetherlikethis is often lost in the effort to decipher the dern thing. If you wanna be funny, find a way to do it without making a useless, headache-inducing hashtag.

3. On the flip side, #never #tag #every #word #in #a #sentence. That's just as much of a headacher. And really, who is going to want to search something like #a?! 

4. You can't use punctuation in the middle of your hashtags. If you're using them on a social media platform where they're actually functional (see number 5), the linked portion will end at your first punctuation mark. So if I were to write #it'sthemostwonderfultimeoftheyear, the only portion that would be linked to anything would be the #it. I really like proper punctuation, so this kinda makes me sad, but it's a little easier to avoid that sort of thing if you're not going against lessons 1 and 2 in the first place.

5. Hashtags are absolutely useless on facebook.

          Update 6/12/13: According to this article, lesson 5 is no longer true. This just may be what finally breaks my facebook addiction.

#runandtellthat

7 Years Overdue

Something a few people may not know about me is that I never had a driver's license until a couple of months ago. I took driver's ed when I was 14 and got my learner's permit when I was 15, but never got my license (for various reasons, most of them financial).

For those of you who were blessed enough to have a way to drive as soon as you were legally able, let me teach you a little something. It is pretty embarrassing to be a college graduate without a driver's license. Heck, it was even embarrassing to be a high school graduate in the same situation.

I hated not being able to help my friends drive on road trips. I hated that when people visited me from out-of-state, they had to drive me on the tour of my hometown. I hated that I had to bum rides off of people for things as simple as a trip to the grocery store a few blocks away if the weather was bad for biking or walking. I hated the inconvenience of having to explain, "Oh, it's a State ID, not a driver's license" at the airport, or when filling out paperwork for new jobs. I hated being dropped off and picked up by my parents at social functions (both for the embarrassment of never feeling like an adult and for having to inconvenience my parents). I hated waiting to be picked up from work when my parents had other places to be. I hated that my coworkers felt they needed to wait with me (though I was always grateful for it as well).

When you're in a situation like the one I was in, the embarrassment becomes pretty commonplace, and your self-esteem can take a pretty huge hit. Whether or not it's actually true, it's easy to feel that people think you're not smart enough, or that you lack the maturity to learn to drive. Or that you are too lazy to do anything about it. Or maybe they think you just enjoy leeching off of other people so much that you don't even desire to make the effort.

It feels pretty bad when you think other people look at you that way, but it's even worse when you start to look at yourself like that a little bit. I did that quite a bit, and it was really hard to overcome.

But now I have a license and I own a car! Sure, my insurance rates are through the roof (and when I say that, think "about a hundred feet above the roof of a super tall building"), but I've secured my independence. I can come and go as I need to, and I can finally offer friends and family the same service they have offered me through the years. Plus, in these 7 years of my driving-eligible-yet-non-driving life, I've learned a few things on the way that I think make me a better driver and a better person. And because it wouldn't be a blog post of mine without a numbered list, here they are: 

1. I've learned to be patient. It's pretty much been my only option the past few months as I've worked a full-time job and had to depend on my parents for transportation. And when car after car after car didn't quite meet my requirements for price, mileage, quality, or awesomeness, I learned to keep my eyes on the prize and keep on trying. Patience on the road is really going to help me keep my cool, too. And I love my cool.

2. I've learned to be responsible. After several years of relative financial independence, I know that I can discipline myself enough to take care of my car payment, insurance, gas, and everything else that goes into owning and maintaining a car. I can definitely get better at that "discipline and prioritizing" thing, so I know it won't be easy, but I know I can do it.

3. I've learned to be more considerate and unassuming of other people's situations. I can never really know why a person does--or fails to do--one thing or another (like many people may not have understood why I didn't ever drive), but assuming the worst is never a good idea. I need to be more aware of circumstances in my friends' lives that may be quite different from what they seem. Along those lines, the whole world doesn't revolve around me, and I should be willing to do whatever I can to make things easier for the people in my life--because they have certainly done that for me time and time again.

4. I've learned the importance of driving safely. I've been a passenger in plenty of cars, some with wonderful drivers, and some with drivers who increased my prayers-per-minute rate by a good 250%. I now know as a driver that my passengers' perceptions of safety are much more important than my own. I will never text or facebook while driving, or do anything else that would jeopardize the safety of my passengers. (Or my car, because I really love it a lot.)

5. I've learned that, like Nacho, "I am the gatekeeper of my own destiny." For so long, I blamed my non-driver status on my parents for not having the money to pay extra on insurance when I was younger. I blamed them for not supporting me enough, not loving me enough to make sacrifices so I could have some extra freedom, etc. Whatever. I realize now that I probably could have had my license long ago, and maybe I could have even owned a car a lot sooner, but my time, money, and efforts were invested elsewhere. While it meant a lot of inconveniences for myself and for so many roommates and friends (for which I feel like I should thank and apologize to them at least a million times more), it's okay. I don't feel like I am any less of a person for having a different timeline for this milestone in my life, and I've learned a lot of valuable lessons in a way that has been effective for me.

That said, I'm relieved and giddy and excited to finally have my license and a car. I'm so glad to have finally opened this chapter of my life . . . and a big part of that may or may not be because I have a niece and two nephews (soon to be 3 nephews!) within a couple hours of home.

Life's good. 

I can't think of a title for this post, but I hate the way it looks without one.

A lot has happened since I moved home that I haven't written about yet, and I'm trying to learn how to be more concise, so I'm going to try and update everyone on things without being too wordy. Ready, set, go.

1. As I mentioned in my last post, I now have a full-time job working as a podiatric medical assistant. I trim people's toenails, take x-rays and ultrasounds, wrap casts, give steroid shots in patients' heels, numb toes, and operate a laser to kill toenail fungus. I used to think my roommate Jaz was crazy because she wanted to be a podiatrist, but now I totally see the charm . . . though "charm" isn't really the word because feet are still disgusting, I'm just not grossed out by them (usually).

2. I had an abscess tooth pulled a couple of months ago, and I got my own mask to bring in anytime I need nitrous for a procedure, which will be anything involving a needle.

3. I have another super-handsome nephew! Emmett Asael. I love him. 

4. Penny calls me "Aunt Clay-tin" . . . that is, when she's not calling me "Uncle Clay-tin." I don't mind, though--it was all worth it when she ran to me with her arms spread wide and then buried her face in my neck while hugging me tight. 

5. I'm going to see One Direction in concert on June 22nd and I'm way more excited than any 23-year-old should be about that. It's been great for bonding with the 10-year-olds in my ward, though. 

6. I did make good on my promise to write and record a song last year, but I haven't posted it yet. I'll do that soon, even though I'm kind of self-conscious about it.

7. I have had two mini-crushes on a couple of men who had facial hair. I've always hated facial hair, but mmmmm.

8. I have a new puppy named Ace. Well, he's not that new and he's not even a puppy. But he's the best snuggle buddy ever. He even responds to the command "snuggle" by throwing his body against me and lifting his front right paw so I can rub his tummy. Oh, and his underbite is the cutest thing in my world. My nephew Paul actually likes Ace more than he likes me, but I can't really blame him.

9. I recently got called as the Stake IRSC president, which is a fancy way of saying I get to help all the YSAs in my stake. I'm really humbled by the calling, and I really don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm so excited about it. 

10. So much for being concise.