In about 2 months, I will be moving back to North Carolina. This isn't really news, since I've pretty much known since I graduated college that I'd be getting back to the Tarheel State as soon as it was the right thing to do. Still, even though it's been my plan for over a year to move back to NC this coming August, the past 2 weeks have changed pretty much every detail of that plan.
I've been thinking and praying a lot about this decision lately, because although I have experiences every day that make me really excited to leave Provo and get to NC, I also have experiences every day that bring me close to tears when I think about having to leave this place. This has been my home for five years, and I can't deny that it's been great to me. I've learned so much here, and I know I'm a better person now than I was when I first came, largely due to the friendships and other associations I've made in my time here. I have grown so much and really expanded my horizons (and no, I'm not referring to the Freshman 15), and I will never forget the people--professors, academic advisors, boys I've had crushes on, roommates, Church leaders, and lifelong best friends--who have contributed to that growth. Part of me wants to stay here forever, but I know it's time for me to leave in order to progress in the ways I want and need to progress.
Originally, I planned to move somewhere near Raleigh. I eventually want to get certified to teach Special Education, and I'm planning on doing that through UNC's Continuing Education program, so I figured I might as well live and work somewhere nearby for networking purposes. Also, because of all the universities in the area, there is a really strong Institute program and, most likely, more opportunities for a social life similar to what I have now (which I love). All of these things seemed exciting and promising enough, but it just kept getting better when my brother and sister-in-law decided to move from Provo to Cary. I've come to be quite close with Brad and Natalie, so I was really looking forward to still living in the same area as them and being able to spend time with them fairly often. I'll be honest, I was also kind of banking on having more dating opportunities, since that hasn't really been much of a part of my BYU experience, even though it's something I really want. Raleigh has, for a long time, seemed like the place in which I could make the most progression in every aspect of my life. Over time, though, I have realized that what I have thought would be hands-down the most beneficial plan of action for me is actually only one of several good options.
Throughout my decision-making process, I've tried to have faith that Heavenly Father would make sure things fell into place for me. I've tried to do my part. I've applied for quite a few jobs in the Raleigh area and haven't heard anything back from them. I haven't had any luck with my housing search either, largely due to the fact that, without a job, I have no idea what I would even be able to afford. Because of these and other issues, I've decided to look for jobs in Mt. Airy and live with my parents for the next year or so.
This was a hard decision to make. I love my family so much and I always enjoy being able to visit them, but for some reason, it's really difficult to be there for extended periods of time. I don't know if it has something to do with the changes in my level of independence, or something else, but I know that after a week or so, I'm usually ready to be gone. So why would I do this to myself? Well, believe it or not, it's because it's going to be the best way for me to progress.
"But wait! I thought you said you needed to have social and dating opportunities! Don't you think that, by living in your small hometown where everyone who is LDS and single is either related to you or really old (or both), you'll be taking a step backward?"
I hear ya. I know the social aspect of things is going to be hard. I'm going to have to travel more than a few blocks to spend time with my friends, and that's going to be a huge adjustment. I've also had to come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm not going to get married anytime soon, and that's okay.
I think somewhere along the way, I got it into my head that, since things weren't happening for me in Provo, as soon as I moved away, something would click in the minds of handsome men everywhere that would all of a sudden open up a floodgate of date requests, eventually culminating in a marriage proposal that I'd feel good about saying "yes" to. Because of this, I've tried to grow in my personal life--so that I would be ready whenever the right man came along. I've tried to be better at scripture study and prayer, journaling, being kind to people, serving others, and everything else that I thought would signify that I was ready to be not just any wife, but a dang good one--one that any man would be lucky to have.
I know now that this is where I've gone wrong. I mean, it's not wrong that I want to be a good wife and mother--I've always known that those two roles are the most important ones I'll ever fill in this life--but for so many years I've been trying to do the right things, but with a purpose that is just a little askew. Yes, I should always remember that I need to be living worthy of a temple marriage, and have that goal in mind. However, my primary motivation for improving myself shouldn't be my desire to be loved by a handsome Priesthood holder, but my desire to serve the God that I love, to follow His plan for me. That is the desire that will lead me to real testimony, real growth, and real progression.
Though I know I can cultivate that desire anywhere, all things (temporal and spiritual) considered, I feel strongly that spending some time living with my parents is going to be the best path for me. And, miracle of miracles, I feel at peace with that decision. I'm not sure where or when, but I know I'll find a good job. I know I'll be able to accomplish my educational and career goals. I know I'll be married in the temple to a good man. I know I'll be blessed with children to love and raise in the gospel. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. His plan is perfect, and it includes not only the things He wants me to experience, but also the timing in which I will experience them. I know that He is looking out for me, and that He gave me the gift of agency so that I can choose the details of how I reach the milestones He has set in place. I know that if I remain close to Him and listen to the promptings of the Spirit, I cannot go astray, I cannot fail. I know that no decision I make will be free of difficulties or sacrifices, but that I can always count on the Savior to help me through them. I know He will be with me every step of the way as long as I choose to be with Him. (It sure is a good thing North Carolina is the closest thing to heaven on this earth.)
Friday, June 15, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Making a good life great
During a conversation with a friend last week, I decided it's been much too long since I've written up my bucket list and really thought about some of the things I want to accomplish in my life. I've done plenty of cool things already--things that have changed my life and hopefully blessed the lives of others--but there's something about doing things because you've set a goal that just makes it so much more satisfying when you finally do it. So here it is, my official bucket list. I'm planning to have completed at least a few of these by the end of this year, so stay tuned for updates on my progress!
Also, I'm looking for inspiration for more things to do, and it's fun to have goals in common with your friends, because you can accomplish and celebrate them together. So what are some things on your bucket list?
Music/Talents
Adventures
Leisurely Recreation
Witnessing Beauty
Service/Love/Future Home
Other
Also, I'm looking for inspiration for more things to do, and it's fun to have goals in common with your friends, because you can accomplish and celebrate them together. So what are some things on your bucket list?
Music/Talents
- See Michael Bublé in concert
- See Noel Gallagher in concert
- Sing with a famous musician, on or off stage
- Sing like a black woman (or just find my own voice)
- Sing in a gospel choir
- Be a backup singer (Motown-style)
- Write and record a song
- Learn to play the harmonica
- Learn to play the banjo
- Learn to play the cello
- Learn archery
- Learn how to bind books (so I can make my own journals)
- Learn how to juggle
- Earn 10 dollars playing as a street musician
- Learn to yodel
- Make a music video
- Write and illustrate a children's book
- Take tango lessons, either with my husband or in order to find one :)
- Solve a Rubik's cube in 30 seconds or less
- Learn cake decorating skills so I can make cool cakes for my kids
Adventures
- Be weightless (a zero-gravity flight would be enough, but space travel would be awesome)
- Go skydiving
- Go hang gliding
- Go rock climbing and rappelling
- Sleep in a castle
- Fly a plane (possibly even get a pilot's license)
- Go whitewater rafting
- Donate blood (I put this under "adventures" because I don't do well with needles.)
- Complete a sprint-distance triathlon (I put this under "adventures" because I'm no good at running and I can't swim in a straight line.)
- Carry the Olympic flame
Leisurely Recreation
- Go on a tandem bike ride
- Go geocaching
- Join a bowling league
- Get a fishing license
- Learn to sail
- Take horseback-riding lessons
Witnessing Beauty
- See the northern lights
- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Release paper lanterns (like in Tangled)
- Travel to Thailand and ride an elephant
- Visit India
- Visit Africa (specifically Egypt and South Africa)
- Visit South America (Argentina and Brazil)
- Visit Italy (especially Tuscany)
- Visit Greece
- Section-hike the entire Appalachian Trail
- Revisit London, Cardiff, Snowdonia, Rome, Madrid, and the Lake District
Service/Love/Future Home
- Send an uplifting message in a bottle
- Be someone's hero
- Write "thank you" letters to all of my heroes
- Say "I love you" to someone every day
- Find the love of my life and marry him
- Sew my own wedding dress (with my Mama)
- Hold hands with my husband every chance I get--no matter how old we are
- Serve a mission with my husband when we're the cutest old couple in the world
- Have some niños
- Remodel a really old house to live in
- Have a flower garden
- Have a produce garden
- Have a wood-burning fireplace
- Have shelves full of knick-knacks in my kitchen (like Tookie's)
- Have a home library
- Make windchimes
Other
- Grow my hair out to my waist
- Restore Brownie (my favorite teddy bear) to mint condition
- Watch UNC play Duke in the Dean Dome
- Spend an entire day barefoot (and avoid getting tetanus)
- Watch sea turtles hatching and running for the ocean
- Milk a cow
- Hug a koala
Thursday, April 19, 2012
I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.
My opinion of the mustache fad: to some degree, mustaches are popular in the Provo area because of the BYU Honor Code. Guys can't grow beards, but mustaches are allowed. The resulting attitude is that beards = telestial, but mustaches = celestial. It also helps that Sammy's gives you a discount on their grilled cheese sandwich (you only pay 75 cents!) when you wear a mustache there on a Monday (because every Monday is Mustache Monday, duh).
Really though, I think that on some level, we're making fun of mustaches. We're poking a little bit of fun at people who actually think mustaches are cool, but only by thinking ourselves that mustaches are cool. It's like the kid at school who's popular because he's just so odd (like Screech from Saved By the Bell, or my little brother Parley).
At any rate, here are just a few of my favorite mustachioed pictures of my friends and me. I'd post a lot more, but I really mustache . . .
Really though, I think that on some level, we're making fun of mustaches. We're poking a little bit of fun at people who actually think mustaches are cool, but only by thinking ourselves that mustaches are cool. It's like the kid at school who's popular because he's just so odd (like Screech from Saved By the Bell, or my little brother Parley).
At any rate, here are just a few of my favorite mustachioed pictures of my friends and me. I'd post a lot more, but I really mustache . . .
 |
| This one is mostly to prove that I know how to make more than just one face when I'm wearing a mustache. |
How swimming changed my body image
Swimsuit.
There's a word that makes plenty of women shudder. I used to get really embarrassed at the slightest mention of that word, even though in my mind, a prototypical swimsuit was a one-piece covered by a tank top and shorts, or some other super-modest combination of clothes worn into the swimming pool. Still, something about wearing a swimsuit gave me this gut-wrenching feeling, this fear of some horrifying experience like getting on the diving board and making someone barf in the pool at the sight of my body. (K, so maybe that's a little overly dramatic, but you get the idea--I, like many people, love to swim, but dread the attire.)
Last year, I decided that would change for me. I still wanted to be modest, but I didn't want to feel like I had to jump into the pool fully-clothed in order to feel comfortable. Specifically, I set a goal that I would be able to feel good about myself without wearing shorts over my swimsuit.
Now, the underlying message to myself when I set that goal was that I wanted to get hotlegs. I wanted to exercise a lot and lose some weight. I wanted to end up with really nice, muscular thighs and fabulous calves. I wanted to zap any cellulite that I had so that I could essentially have legs like a volleyball player (even if they were doomed to eternal pastiness). I was going on a lot of bike rides, and I thought that after several months of doing that consistently, I could afford to go to the pool without wearing shorts.
Usually, when I shopped for swimsuits, I'd buy a patterned top and plain bottoms, since I was just going to cover the bottoms up with shorts anyway. At the beginning of last summer, though, I bought one with a plain top and patterned bottoms. After all, if I was going to be showing the bottoms off later on, they might as well be cute, right?
Well, as fate would have it, the first day I was going to go swimming that season, my other swimsuit decided it was done working for me. It no longer fit right, the ties were falling apart, and it was just not going to cooperate. I was left with no choice but to go to the pool in my new swimsuit. Since it was supposed to be my no-shorts swimsuit, I hadn't bought any shorts that matched it, so I just didn't wear shorts that day. It was no monumental decision; I just thought that I'd rather be noticeably chunky--yet fashionable--than to have my chunks disguised by clashing pieces of frump.
That day was really empowering for me. My swimsuit still fit me well, and it still covered enough of me to keep me feeling modest, but I was probably more comfortable that day than any day from my teenage years when I'd jumped into the pool wearing basketball shorts and a tshirt for comfort. No longer did I have to worry about my shorts falling off and showing my swimsuit (because heaven forbid I go swimming in a swimsuit) or having my clothes stick to me in really unattractive ways when I got out of the pool. We had a grand old time, my swimsuit and me, just enjoying the sun and the water and the fact that I have a body. And yeah, I have more of a body than some women do, but it is still a body--a gift from God--and it can do some amazing things. I mean, just when it's at the pool, it can swim, jump, cannonball, flip, do handstands, have underwater tea parties, make cool hairstyles, catch frisbees, and throw things, and it's learning how to dive. And let's not forget how awesome my body is at floating.
So yeah, my thighs touch. Yeah, they jiggle when I walk. Yeah, I inherited enormous--but not necessarily muscular--calves from my grandma. But I am happy. I am fairly healthy. My body is beautiful, and I have nothing to be ashamed of.
There's a word that makes plenty of women shudder. I used to get really embarrassed at the slightest mention of that word, even though in my mind, a prototypical swimsuit was a one-piece covered by a tank top and shorts, or some other super-modest combination of clothes worn into the swimming pool. Still, something about wearing a swimsuit gave me this gut-wrenching feeling, this fear of some horrifying experience like getting on the diving board and making someone barf in the pool at the sight of my body. (K, so maybe that's a little overly dramatic, but you get the idea--I, like many people, love to swim, but dread the attire.)
Last year, I decided that would change for me. I still wanted to be modest, but I didn't want to feel like I had to jump into the pool fully-clothed in order to feel comfortable. Specifically, I set a goal that I would be able to feel good about myself without wearing shorts over my swimsuit.
Now, the underlying message to myself when I set that goal was that I wanted to get hotlegs. I wanted to exercise a lot and lose some weight. I wanted to end up with really nice, muscular thighs and fabulous calves. I wanted to zap any cellulite that I had so that I could essentially have legs like a volleyball player (even if they were doomed to eternal pastiness). I was going on a lot of bike rides, and I thought that after several months of doing that consistently, I could afford to go to the pool without wearing shorts.
Usually, when I shopped for swimsuits, I'd buy a patterned top and plain bottoms, since I was just going to cover the bottoms up with shorts anyway. At the beginning of last summer, though, I bought one with a plain top and patterned bottoms. After all, if I was going to be showing the bottoms off later on, they might as well be cute, right?
Well, as fate would have it, the first day I was going to go swimming that season, my other swimsuit decided it was done working for me. It no longer fit right, the ties were falling apart, and it was just not going to cooperate. I was left with no choice but to go to the pool in my new swimsuit. Since it was supposed to be my no-shorts swimsuit, I hadn't bought any shorts that matched it, so I just didn't wear shorts that day. It was no monumental decision; I just thought that I'd rather be noticeably chunky--yet fashionable--than to have my chunks disguised by clashing pieces of frump.
That day was really empowering for me. My swimsuit still fit me well, and it still covered enough of me to keep me feeling modest, but I was probably more comfortable that day than any day from my teenage years when I'd jumped into the pool wearing basketball shorts and a tshirt for comfort. No longer did I have to worry about my shorts falling off and showing my swimsuit (because heaven forbid I go swimming in a swimsuit) or having my clothes stick to me in really unattractive ways when I got out of the pool. We had a grand old time, my swimsuit and me, just enjoying the sun and the water and the fact that I have a body. And yeah, I have more of a body than some women do, but it is still a body--a gift from God--and it can do some amazing things. I mean, just when it's at the pool, it can swim, jump, cannonball, flip, do handstands, have underwater tea parties, make cool hairstyles, catch frisbees, and throw things, and it's learning how to dive. And let's not forget how awesome my body is at floating.
So yeah, my thighs touch. Yeah, they jiggle when I walk. Yeah, I inherited enormous--but not necessarily muscular--calves from my grandma. But I am happy. I am fairly healthy. My body is beautiful, and I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Dates (and pistachios)
Let's cut to the chase. I don't blog about dating very much, and here's the reason why: I find myself significantly less-qualified than I'd like to be in terms of having had experiences to validate my opinions on the matter. However, I think the head on my shoulders is pretty decent (in more ways than one, wink), so here are some of my observations and thoughts on the matter. (My friend gave a talk a few months ago, and he asked a few questions of his friends about some different aspects of dating; these are his questions and my answers.)
What aspects of typical dating do you like?
a. Getting to know people better. I’ve known some of my best friends for 5 or more years, and I still learn new things about them every time we talk. Each time I come closer to one of God’s children, I am amazed by His ability to create so many people who are so different, yet so similar, in mind-boggling ways. I think dating is a very natural and fun way to find those differences and similarities, through doing various activities and interacting with other people.
b. Learning more about myself. I have been on a couple of dates within the past year that have really taught me a lot about what is important to me, in relationships and just life in general.
c. Doing fun activities that I wouldn’t necessarily do by myself or just with my roommates or other friends. People can get really creative with date ideas!
d. Testing myself a little bit—seeing how I can overcome my insecurities. I love when I go on a date and feel like I have gone out of my comfort zone a little bit and yet still felt comfortable. (That said, my comfort zone is probably bigger than it should be, and it takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable, so this doesn’t happen on every date.) Still, sometimes it’s just being on a date that makes me feel a little nervous or more self-conscious than normal, and if I can overcome that, it’s the best feeling in the world regardless of how the date actually goes.
e. I love feeling like I am worth someone’s time. I don’t, by any means, measure the worth of my soul according to how many dates I go on, but when someone takes time aside from their typical schedule and social life to spend time with me—getting to know me better, seeing me as an equal and as a good use of their time, confirming that I’m not the only one who thinks I’m kinda cool—I feel happy of myself.
f. Good, enlightening conversation. This doesn’t have to mean “deep” or “philosophical” conversation, but just conversation that is wholesome, entertaining, and real.
g. Smiling. Being on a date is the best excuse in the world to just smile nonstop. I feel like we shouldn’t need an excuse to do that, but unless you’re on a date, people tend to ask, “why are you smiling so much?” People don’t really ask that while you’re on a date, because they know you’re just trying to be as attractive as possible.
What aspects of typical dating do you find frustrating?
a. People taking it way too seriously. It’s supposed to be fun! And while there should be thought involved with how we go about dating—we should always be considerate of the feelings of others and trying to understand and be true to our own—it doesn’t have to be something that is a chore to do or that we’re dreading or always stressed about.
b. Lack of communication. Regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman, it’s hard to tell someone that you are (or are not) interested in him or her. That means that there are a lot of people never getting a chance, and a lot of people being led on.
c. Fear of rejection (not necessarily my own fear). I get really sad when I see amazing guys (whom I would feel honored to have the chance to date) get turned down by girls they’ve pursued, and then give up, assuming that will happen with every other girl they may be interested in. Sometimes this happens after a bit of time, but I’ve seen it happen before there has even been a first date. So girls, unless you get a true “creeper vibe” (which I’ll explain later), just don’t turn down a first date. It is not going to ruin your reputation or your life if you have an evening full of awkward moments with a guy you’re not attracted to right now. It may ruin your record of having a lifetime of perfect dates, but who the heck wants that record anyway? The only perfect date any one of us needs in life is the one at the temple with a person who is right for us. With our limited perspective and imperfect judgments, who are we to say that a given child of God is not worthy of our time for an evening—or that we are not worthy of theirs?
d. The one percent. My perception of dating in Provo is that it happens a lot for a small percentage of the people, and very little for the rest. I may be wrong about that, but that’s what I’ve observed in my own life and the lives of my friends. I’m afraid that, because there are so many good people here, a lot of people are afraid to date someone because they're certain they can find someone better just around the next corner. And while it's true that there can certainly be better people for us than the ones we're currently associated with, I think we are not always the best judges of character. (I’ll address that issue later on, too.)
e. The 99 percent. I am kind, I like myself (but not too much), and I’m super pretty, but I very rarely get asked out. (There, I said it.)
What aspects of dating would you change?
a. Types. Guys, if you’re only dating one type of girl (because she’s “your type,” supposedly) and you haven’t gotten married yet, why is that? Is it you? Or is it the type of girl you’re dating? Same thing in reverse goes for girls. I guess I just think it’s silly that everyone goes around with their perfect “type” in their minds. Sure, there are certain characteristics we want to have in our future spouse, but how will we know whether or not a given person possesses those traits if we don’t take the time to get to know him or her first? I would be grossly mistaken if I thought that I could really know a person and judge whether or not he would be a good match for me just by having seen him in certain circles. I’d also be a fool for thinking that I understand exactly what I need in a husband—only Heavenly Father knows that perfectly. The least I can do is try and discover that understanding by associating with all sorts of guys.
b. People’s definition of “creepy.” To me, a “creepy” person is someone who gives off the serial rapist vibe—someone who actually gives me the heebie jeebies and whom I don’t feel safe around. I hear so many girls calling guys “creepy” when, in fact, he was just a nice boy trying to make nice conversation, and he either didn’t have the social skills or the handsome face of someone the girls would find attractive. There are creepy people in the world for sure, but the fact that you’re not attracted to them is not what qualifies them to be creepmeisters. Quit calling guys creepy if they aren’t actually creepy. (I don’t know if guys ever call girls creepy, but if so, they should stop it too, barring the presence of the aforementioned creeper vibe.)
c. People’s attitudes and complaints about the “friend zone.” So many people think it’s a terrible thing to be put in the friend zone. They see it as an indestructible, inescapable box.
I think that’s stupid.
When I get married, I want to be married to my best friend, so why should I not date people who are already my good friends? In fact, I’d say that if anyone ever wanted to date me, they sure as heck better be in my friend zone first! Sure, there’s always the risk that the friendship will not be the same (if even existent) later on, but that is what I’d consider a righteous risk. Look at it this way. If you never date your friend, you’ll both end up marrying other people. Once you’re married, your friendship will definitely be different or nonexistent anyway. If you do try to date and it doesn't work out, you’ll both move on and end up dating and eventually marrying other people. Either way, the friendship will change at some point in your life, for better or for worse. (See what I did there? Marriage pun.) So, since it’s usually girls who are blamed for putting guys in the friend zone, I’ll word it this way, though I can cite dozens of my own experiences to show you that it works both ways: Girls, if a guy friend wants to date you, give him a chance. It should be flattering that he wants to risk the friendship for something better. Guys, if you want to date someone who’s already a good friend, be a man and take the dang risk. Everyone, stop using “saving the friendship” as an excuse—our highest purpose here is not to have eternal “justfriendships,” but to marry, which is brought about by dating.
(Can I get an “amen”?)
What aspects of typical dating do you like?
a. Getting to know people better. I’ve known some of my best friends for 5 or more years, and I still learn new things about them every time we talk. Each time I come closer to one of God’s children, I am amazed by His ability to create so many people who are so different, yet so similar, in mind-boggling ways. I think dating is a very natural and fun way to find those differences and similarities, through doing various activities and interacting with other people.
b. Learning more about myself. I have been on a couple of dates within the past year that have really taught me a lot about what is important to me, in relationships and just life in general.
c. Doing fun activities that I wouldn’t necessarily do by myself or just with my roommates or other friends. People can get really creative with date ideas!
d. Testing myself a little bit—seeing how I can overcome my insecurities. I love when I go on a date and feel like I have gone out of my comfort zone a little bit and yet still felt comfortable. (That said, my comfort zone is probably bigger than it should be, and it takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable, so this doesn’t happen on every date.) Still, sometimes it’s just being on a date that makes me feel a little nervous or more self-conscious than normal, and if I can overcome that, it’s the best feeling in the world regardless of how the date actually goes.
e. I love feeling like I am worth someone’s time. I don’t, by any means, measure the worth of my soul according to how many dates I go on, but when someone takes time aside from their typical schedule and social life to spend time with me—getting to know me better, seeing me as an equal and as a good use of their time, confirming that I’m not the only one who thinks I’m kinda cool—I feel happy of myself.
f. Good, enlightening conversation. This doesn’t have to mean “deep” or “philosophical” conversation, but just conversation that is wholesome, entertaining, and real.
g. Smiling. Being on a date is the best excuse in the world to just smile nonstop. I feel like we shouldn’t need an excuse to do that, but unless you’re on a date, people tend to ask, “why are you smiling so much?” People don’t really ask that while you’re on a date, because they know you’re just trying to be as attractive as possible.
What aspects of typical dating do you find frustrating?
a. People taking it way too seriously. It’s supposed to be fun! And while there should be thought involved with how we go about dating—we should always be considerate of the feelings of others and trying to understand and be true to our own—it doesn’t have to be something that is a chore to do or that we’re dreading or always stressed about.
b. Lack of communication. Regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman, it’s hard to tell someone that you are (or are not) interested in him or her. That means that there are a lot of people never getting a chance, and a lot of people being led on.
c. Fear of rejection (not necessarily my own fear). I get really sad when I see amazing guys (whom I would feel honored to have the chance to date) get turned down by girls they’ve pursued, and then give up, assuming that will happen with every other girl they may be interested in. Sometimes this happens after a bit of time, but I’ve seen it happen before there has even been a first date. So girls, unless you get a true “creeper vibe” (which I’ll explain later), just don’t turn down a first date. It is not going to ruin your reputation or your life if you have an evening full of awkward moments with a guy you’re not attracted to right now. It may ruin your record of having a lifetime of perfect dates, but who the heck wants that record anyway? The only perfect date any one of us needs in life is the one at the temple with a person who is right for us. With our limited perspective and imperfect judgments, who are we to say that a given child of God is not worthy of our time for an evening—or that we are not worthy of theirs?
d. The one percent. My perception of dating in Provo is that it happens a lot for a small percentage of the people, and very little for the rest. I may be wrong about that, but that’s what I’ve observed in my own life and the lives of my friends. I’m afraid that, because there are so many good people here, a lot of people are afraid to date someone because they're certain they can find someone better just around the next corner. And while it's true that there can certainly be better people for us than the ones we're currently associated with, I think we are not always the best judges of character. (I’ll address that issue later on, too.)
e. The 99 percent. I am kind, I like myself (but not too much), and I’m super pretty, but I very rarely get asked out. (There, I said it.)
What aspects of dating would you change?
a. Types. Guys, if you’re only dating one type of girl (because she’s “your type,” supposedly) and you haven’t gotten married yet, why is that? Is it you? Or is it the type of girl you’re dating? Same thing in reverse goes for girls. I guess I just think it’s silly that everyone goes around with their perfect “type” in their minds. Sure, there are certain characteristics we want to have in our future spouse, but how will we know whether or not a given person possesses those traits if we don’t take the time to get to know him or her first? I would be grossly mistaken if I thought that I could really know a person and judge whether or not he would be a good match for me just by having seen him in certain circles. I’d also be a fool for thinking that I understand exactly what I need in a husband—only Heavenly Father knows that perfectly. The least I can do is try and discover that understanding by associating with all sorts of guys.
b. People’s definition of “creepy.” To me, a “creepy” person is someone who gives off the serial rapist vibe—someone who actually gives me the heebie jeebies and whom I don’t feel safe around. I hear so many girls calling guys “creepy” when, in fact, he was just a nice boy trying to make nice conversation, and he either didn’t have the social skills or the handsome face of someone the girls would find attractive. There are creepy people in the world for sure, but the fact that you’re not attracted to them is not what qualifies them to be creepmeisters. Quit calling guys creepy if they aren’t actually creepy. (I don’t know if guys ever call girls creepy, but if so, they should stop it too, barring the presence of the aforementioned creeper vibe.)
c. People’s attitudes and complaints about the “friend zone.” So many people think it’s a terrible thing to be put in the friend zone. They see it as an indestructible, inescapable box.
I think that’s stupid.
When I get married, I want to be married to my best friend, so why should I not date people who are already my good friends? In fact, I’d say that if anyone ever wanted to date me, they sure as heck better be in my friend zone first! Sure, there’s always the risk that the friendship will not be the same (if even existent) later on, but that is what I’d consider a righteous risk. Look at it this way. If you never date your friend, you’ll both end up marrying other people. Once you’re married, your friendship will definitely be different or nonexistent anyway. If you do try to date and it doesn't work out, you’ll both move on and end up dating and eventually marrying other people. Either way, the friendship will change at some point in your life, for better or for worse. (See what I did there? Marriage pun.) So, since it’s usually girls who are blamed for putting guys in the friend zone, I’ll word it this way, though I can cite dozens of my own experiences to show you that it works both ways: Girls, if a guy friend wants to date you, give him a chance. It should be flattering that he wants to risk the friendship for something better. Guys, if you want to date someone who’s already a good friend, be a man and take the dang risk. Everyone, stop using “saving the friendship” as an excuse—our highest purpose here is not to have eternal “justfriendships,” but to marry, which is brought about by dating.
(Can I get an “amen”?)
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