Dates (and pistachios)

Let's cut to the chase. I don't blog about dating very much, and here's the reason why: I find myself significantly less-qualified than I'd like to be in terms of having had experiences to validate my opinions on the matter. However, I think the head on my shoulders is pretty decent (in more ways than one, wink), so here are some of my observations and thoughts on the matter. (My friend gave a talk a few months ago, and he asked a few questions of his friends about some different aspects of dating; these are his questions and my answers.)

What aspects of typical dating do you like?
     a. Getting to know people better. I’ve known some of my best friends for 5 or more years, and I still learn new things about them every time we talk. Each time I come closer to one of God’s children, I am amazed by His ability to create so many people who are so different, yet so similar, in mind-boggling ways. I think dating is a very natural and fun way to find those differences and similarities, through doing various activities and interacting with other people.
     b. Learning more about myself. I have been on a couple of dates within the past year that have really taught me a lot about what is important to me, in relationships and just life in general.
     c. Doing fun activities that I wouldn’t necessarily do by myself or just with my roommates or other friends. People can get really creative with date ideas!
     d. Testing myself a little bit—seeing how I can overcome my insecurities. I love when I go on a date and feel like I have gone out of my comfort zone a little bit and yet still felt comfortable. (That said, my comfort zone is probably bigger than it should be, and it takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable, so this doesn’t happen on every date.) Still, sometimes it’s just being on a date that makes me feel a little nervous or more self-conscious than normal, and if I can overcome that, it’s the best feeling in the world regardless of how the date actually goes.
     e. I love feeling like I am worth someone’s time. I don’t, by any means, measure the worth of my soul according to how many dates I go on, but when someone takes time aside from their typical schedule and social life to spend time with me—getting to know me better, seeing me as an equal and as a good use of their time, confirming that I’m not the only one who thinks I’m kinda cool—I feel happy of myself.
     f. Good, enlightening conversation. This doesn’t have to mean “deep” or “philosophical” conversation, but just conversation that is wholesome, entertaining, and real.
     g. Smiling. Being on a date is the best excuse in the world to just smile nonstop. I feel like we shouldn’t need an excuse to do that, but unless you’re on a date, people tend to ask, “why are you smiling so much?” People don’t really ask that while you’re on a date, because they know you’re just trying to be as attractive as possible.

What aspects of typical dating do you find frustrating?
     a. People taking it way too seriously. It’s supposed to be fun! And while there should be thought involved with how we go about dating—we should always be considerate of the feelings of others and trying to understand and be true to our own—it doesn’t have to be something that is a chore to do or that we’re dreading or always stressed about.
     b. Lack of communication. Regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman, it’s hard to tell someone that you are (or are not) interested in him or her. That means that there are a lot of people never getting a chance, and a lot of people being led on.
     c. Fear of rejection (not necessarily my own fear). I get really sad when I see amazing guys (whom I would feel honored to have the chance to date) get turned down by girls they’ve pursued, and then give up, assuming that will happen with every other girl they may be interested in. Sometimes this happens after a bit of time, but I’ve seen it happen before there has even been a first date. So girls, unless you get a true “creeper vibe” (which I’ll explain later), just don’t turn down a first date. It is not going to ruin your reputation or your life if you have an evening full of awkward moments with a guy you’re not attracted to right now. It may ruin your record of having a lifetime of perfect dates, but who the heck wants that record anyway? The only perfect date any one of us needs in life is the one at the temple with a person who is right for us. With our limited perspective and imperfect judgments, who are we to say that a given child of God is not worthy of our time for an evening—or that we are not worthy of theirs?
     d. The one percent. My perception of dating in Provo is that it happens a lot for a small percentage of the people, and very little for the rest. I may be wrong about that, but that’s what I’ve observed in my own life and the lives of my friends. I’m afraid that, because there are so many good people here, a lot of people are afraid to date someone because they're certain they can find someone better just around the next corner. And while it's true that there can certainly be better people for us than the ones we're currently associated with, I think we are not always the best judges of character. (I’ll address that issue later on, too.)
     e. The 99 percent. I am kind, I like myself (but not too much), and I’m super pretty, but I very rarely get asked out. (There, I said it.)

What aspects of dating would you change?
     a. Types. Guys, if you’re only dating one type of girl (because she’s “your type,” supposedly) and you haven’t gotten married yet, why is that? Is it you? Or is it the type of girl you’re dating? Same thing in reverse goes for girls. I guess I just think it’s silly that everyone goes around with their perfect “type” in their minds. Sure, there are certain characteristics we want to have in our future spouse, but how will we know whether or not a given person possesses those traits if we don’t take the time to get to know him or her first? I would be grossly mistaken if I thought that I could really know a person and judge whether or not he would be a good match for me just by having seen him in certain circles. I’d also be a fool for thinking that I understand exactly what I need in a husband—only Heavenly Father knows that perfectly. The least I can do is try and discover that understanding by associating with all sorts of guys.
     b. People’s definition of “creepy.” To me, a “creepy” person is someone who gives off the serial rapist vibe—someone who actually gives me the heebie jeebies and whom I don’t feel safe around. I hear so many girls calling guys “creepy” when, in fact, he was just a nice boy trying to make nice conversation, and he either didn’t have the social skills or the handsome face of someone the girls would find attractive. There are creepy people in the world for sure, but the fact that you’re not attracted to them is not what qualifies them to be creepmeisters. Quit calling guys creepy if they aren’t actually creepy. (I don’t know if guys ever call girls creepy, but if so, they should stop it too, barring the presence of the aforementioned creeper vibe.)
     c. People’s attitudes and complaints about the “friend zone.” So many people think it’s a terrible thing to be put in the friend zone. They see it as an indestructible, inescapable box.
I think that’s stupid.
When I get married, I want to be married to my best friend, so why should I not date people who are already my good friends? In fact, I’d say that if anyone ever wanted to date me, they sure as heck better be in my friend zone first! Sure, there’s always the risk that the friendship will not be the same (if even existent) later on, but that is what I’d consider a righteous risk. Look at it this way. If you never date your friend, you’ll both end up marrying other people. Once you’re married, your friendship will definitely be different or nonexistent anyway. If you do try to date and it doesn't work out, you’ll both move on and end up dating and eventually marrying other people. Either way, the friendship will change at some point in your life, for better or for worse. (See what I did there? Marriage pun.) So, since it’s usually girls who are blamed for putting guys in the friend zone, I’ll word it this way, though I can cite dozens of my own experiences to show you that it works both ways: Girls, if a guy friend wants to date you, give him a chance. It should be flattering that he wants to risk the friendship for something better. Guys, if you want to date someone who’s already a good friend, be a man and take the dang risk. Everyone, stop using “saving the friendship” as an excuse—our highest purpose here is not to have eternal “justfriendships,” but to marry, which is brought about by dating.
(Can I get an “amen”?)