Happy Mothers' Day to me.

To my male readers (wait . . . do I even have any?) I would like to apologize in advance, because this post might just sound really awkward. Female readers, I think that some of you will probably understand where I'm coming from.

See, I keep thinking about my children. That is, those that I will give birth to when the time has come.

The wonderful dilemma -- how's that for an oxymoron? -- is that I already love them.

But now I want to meet them. I want to know them, to hug and kiss them and play with them and see their personalities. I want to see how they are going to interact with their siblings, with their cousins and aunts and uncles, and with their daddy. I want to know their names! I want to hear their singing voices. I want to dance with them in the kitchen, skip around and twirl with them in the backyard and chase them around the house until we're plum tuckered out. I want to put them in their footie pajamas and tuck them into bed and tell them bedtime stories. I want goodnight kisses from my babies.

I wonder, what are they going to be like when they grow up? Will they be as goofy as me? Bless their hearts if they are. Will they tell stupid jokes, or will they actually be funny? Will they have the same insecurities and self-doubts that I've had in the past (and some that I still have), or will I raise them up in such a way that they will be more confident in those areas? Will they stay true to the principles and practices of the gospel and Church that I so love? Of course that brings us to the question of what kind of mother I will be . . . but that scares me too much so we'll go back to wondering about my kids. Will they be into sports? Music? Painting? Writing? Heck, will I give birth to a linguist?

Bottom line, sometimes I just long for them. I ache to be a mother.

But you know what? It's the best ache I've ever had.

No regrets.

Today was my first day of spring term classes. Classes officially started yesterday, but I don't have Tuesday classes so I just worked all day.

Here's a little bit about how today went. Let's just say it wasn't exactly peaches and cream, which, incidentally, I am now craving.

- woke up way too early for how late I went to bed
- went to work at 8
- realized how much I love living this close to campus
- SKIPPED my first class of the day so I could go visit with my dear cousin John before he entered the MTC (I absolutely don't regret this. I love John like crazy and it was so good to see him.)
- remembered how hard it is to say goodbye to missionaries
- got some food (love the Wendy's dollar menu!)
- took food to work
- spilled drink all over the table at work
- got really embarrassed
- moved on with life
- clocked back in
- bent over a computer updating some databases for 3 hours
- had my tongue attacked by a cat on a phone call with a very important businessman
- got really embarrassed
- moved on with life
- went to class

So here we are, to the main point of this post.

Up until the past couple of weeks, selecting classes was always an easy, relatively carefree thing to do. Sometimes I was very excited to take certain classes. Other classes, I dreaded and tried to avoid them until I realized I needed them immediately as prerequisites. But never before had I felt large degrees of both excitement and fear about any class in particular.

Then I enrolled in Spanish 321.

This class is the first class that people who spoke Spanish on their missions take after they return. It's just kind of intimidating. Now, I have really enjoyed taking Spanish classes here, and this one was no exception, especially since I have gotten to the point where I feel somewhat fluent in the language and I am fairly confident in my ability to seguir mejorando mi español. I even struck up a conversation in Spanish with a girl from Chile at church on Sunday (I went with Katie and Lauren to their new ward, which is English, Spanish, and ASL. It was awesome!). But even with my love of the Spanish language and feeling like I am good at something, I have just been really worried that I would get in there and have one of two things happen:

(1) I wouldn't be able to understand a word coming out of anyone's mouth
or
(2) They wouldn't be able to understand a word coming out of my mouth because of my limited vocabulary and mangled grammar and thick American accent and I'd get made fun of because they spoke almost nothing but Spanish for two years straight and since they learned it in the context of the gospel and doing the Lord's work they know everything and I am just sort of good at taking tests. . . .

Yeah, that's just a pinch of that anxiety I was talking about.

I almost talked myself out of taking it several times, but I decided I would shape up and take it anyway. So I went to class.

I sat in the second row. This way I could be close enough to see/hear/be a little more actively engaged, but not so close as to risk salivary projections from el profesor. Turns out the teacher isn't a spitter, and I might need to start sitting in the front row after all . . . You'll see why.

Anyway, naturally, the first thing anyone said to me was, "So where did you serve your mission?" But instead of the "holier-than-thou" reaction I somewhat expected, they actually seemed to think it was really cool that I was taking this upper-level Spanish class just for kicks (oh p.s. it's also for the Spanish minor that I may or may not have decided yesterday to add.), and without having been immersed in any Spanish-speaking environment. I got compliments on my speaking, too. It was pretty sweet.

So everything was fabulous. The teacher finally came in, a native Spanish speaker (from la República Dominicana), and he spoke SO quickly. But you want to know the miracle? I understood him! He made jokes, and I understood the jokes! He gave some really important details about the syllabus, and I understood those details. I'm pretty sure you could say I'm a fluent Spanish listener because of that. Woo hoo!

But then as we continued on in class, I started getting very sleepy. Remember how I said I woke up too early for how late I went to bed? That was code for "I got four hours of sleep." I started nodding off around the middle of class (it's 2 hours long) and woke up with a few people staring at me. I realized Profesor was asking me a question. I was kind of disoriented, but I finally realized he was asking my name. I told him, and he went on to say, "Te levantaste muy temprano, ¿sí?" and then told me I need to make sure to get enough sleep tonight so I can "accompany" the rest of the class members during the entire class period next time.

- got really embarrassed
- moved on with life.

I almost wonder if he is expecting me to drop the class after that little encounter. ha! Kidding. Though I'll admit that the thought crossed my mind. I thought, "He's just picking on me because I didn't serve a mission! He thinks I'm not cut out for this class!" And then, defiantly, "I WILL stay in this class. I WILL get an A. I WILL show him I've got what it takes!"

Then I laughed at myself for overreacting but decided to stick with my resolve anyway. The time of day may be kind of unfortunate, but I think the excitement has overrun the fear now and I can totally do this. I must say it also helps that the male-to-female ratio is something like 5:1. Shallow? Maybe. Regrettable? Definitely not.

Wonderful Happy Fabulousness!

Condensed life update:

It is finals week. I have a final and a half (that half of one is a take-home test) plus the rest of my 10-15 page research paper to do before I'm finished. And then I have classes spring term, study abroad summer term, then fall (only 12 credits!!!) and winter semesters. Then I graduate! Crazy.

I leave in exactly 2 months from this Wednesday for my study abroad. I can't wait to get my bookbag!

I am moving out in four days.

I have amazing friends.

The past four days:

Thursday: Lunch at J-Dawgs with my best friend Ty. Hadn't seen him in a month. Swam. Played basketball and volleyball and hula-hooped for 5 minutes straight at Kara's graduation party. Abs looked great the next day.

Friday: Friend slash home teacher, Jeremy, took me to my Syntax "final" -- Since our test was scheduled for 7 to 10 PM on a Friday night, my professor decided we'd just have a take-home final and turn it in at a party at her house. Sweet! Pretty sure I aced the test.

Saturday: Went swimming. Took a nap in the sun. Glorious. Photo shoot with Allison, my old roommate who married my fourth cousin. Went to a few places around town. Took some pictures. Felt really pretty. Got yelled at by a grumpy man near Utah State Hospital. Came home and made dinner with my friend Michael. Went to the grocery store. Bought a lot of milk and a lot of cereal. Went up to our friend Scott's apartment and watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Ate Mike & Ikes.

Sunday: Musical number in Sacrament Meeting. Kara, Debra, and Maddie played flute and I accompanied them on piano. Got released from my calling as Relief Society President (post about all that is forthcoming). Had really great experiences and insights about some things. Went to the park with Kara, Debra, Maddie, Chelsie, Avalika, and Sharlene (I've basically lived at their apartment for the past few weeks). Had a picnic lunch. Chicken salad sandwiches and potato salad. Took a bunch of crazy ridiculous pictures that I love. Talked to my sister. Missed her a lot. Ward prayer. Grilled pineapple from a raptor. Serenaded people from 110's window well. Got home taught. Had cupcake cake from Whitney. Watched Space Jam.

I love love LOVE this. I really don't want to have to say goodbye. Please, life, stay good to me. I love you right now.

Honk Shoe

Okay, folks. There's something that's been weighing on my mind and I just don't feel right going on without telling you. I feel like I'm lying to you every time I blog and don't write about this. If you don't want to follow any more after this post, I will understand. I write this knowing that it may even limit my opportunities for dating, as I may just seem even more unattractive. I just have to be honest with myself. I have to be honest with you. There's no more hiding it.

I snore.

Yes, that's right. I snore. And not just cute little baby snores, either -- my roommate sleeps on the couch all the time because it's that bad, I guess. It is embarrassing as heck and I am not at all proud of it.

I don't know how long it has been a problem. I think it is a fairly recent development, though, because after three years of college, this is the first time any of my roommates have brought it up. And after talking with most of them they have said it hasn't been an issue. Of course this is the first year I have consistently gone to bed earlier than my roommate, so maybe the others just didn't know. Anyway, long story short, my current roommate brought it up one day, and in a way that didn't quite sit right with me. So I was sad. Embarrassed. A little bit angry too, but especially sad and embarrassed.

We got it mostly worked out and I've mostly let it go. I say "mostly" because I still snore sometimes. But the sadness? Gone. The anger? For sure gone. But the embarrassment remains every time that I wake up in the morning and find that she has gone into the living room to sleep.

I tried breathe-right strips, and they only sort of worked. I guess my face gets too greasy at night and one side would always unstick itself from my face. (. . . Oops, another unattractive confession. Dang!)

My roommate told me it only happens when I'm on my back. See, I'm most comfortable on my side, but on my side I am more likely to roll over to my back. So I try sleeping on my stomach, but I often wake up because I can't breathe due to my face getting buried in my pillow, etc.

I went to the doctor to make sure nothing is really too much wrong with me (I'll be getting a partial sleep study done once finals are over I think, just to monitor oxygen levels, etc.) but she said it's not likely that I have sleep apnea.

My adenoids have been removed too, so they're not the problem.

It might help to lose some weight, but since when have I not known that? Plus the story of that battle is for a different blog post.

Bottom line: I am a snorer.

I have to accept this, as ashamed and reluctant as I am to do so. I feel like I ruin people's lives, like I am a menace to society, and I don't like it. At times during this school year, this knowledge has been one of the greatest sources of anxiety for me, which says a lot . . . . Trust me, there have been plenty of difficult things this year.

But you know, I have to look at this as a blessing. If snoring is one of my most unbearable trials (and maybe acknowledging this is just asking for something more . . .) then how much do I have to be grateful for? Of all the physical ailments that I could possibly experience -- high blood pressure and diabetes, just to name a couple that run in my family -- I snore.

Risks:

*I will probably always be embarrassed for as long as this keeps happening.
*My relationships with roommates, etc. may suffer because of this.
*My snoring could be an indication of something worse long-term.

But

*I must keep in mind that my imperfections don't define or defile me! I snore, but I'm still a good person, or at least I try to be.
*I can improve my communication skills; I'll tell those people I snore, and then they can help me overcome/deal with it.
*It will never hurt to keep trying every day to take better care of myself.

So, to future roommates, future husband, and anyone else whose quality of life may be tarnished because of this problem I have, I apologize. Help me live with my imperfections, and I will help you live with yours. Trust me, you have them. :)

Creation

Today in Relief Society our lesson was about the Creation. We had a beautiful discussion, and I just wanted to share a quick thought that came to me during that hour.

One of the questions asked toward the end of the lesson was about how the Creation testifies of God's love for us. As I thought about that question, I remembered that He created all of these wonderful things that work perfectly together for our good. He created this world for our enjoyment and use. And He gave us stewardship over and responsibility for His creations, all of which I am sure He must love; don't we all take great pride in our work? Don't we all love the things we create? Yet as large and magnificent as the mountains are, as powerful as the wind is, as beautiful as the sky is, we, as humans, were made to have dominion in this world. That is because we are His children, and the love He has for us is even greater than that which He has for His other creations. How cool is that?

Today I gained a greater appreciation for that knowledge. I realized that we are always expressing gratitude and awe at the wonder and beauty of nature. A lot of people talk about how they feel so small when they are in nature, observing and appreciating the overcoming beauty of it all. But shouldn't it be different? Shouldn't we feel bigger? More empowered? Not only does the Father love us enough to create these things for our enjoyment, but He trusts us enough to put them in our care. It is my belief that this world and this life, in more ways than one, is a preparation for things to come. If we live our lives worthily and diligently, it will be our privilege to someday have the same godly experience of creating and ruling. In His gift to us of the Creation, Heavenly Father is teaching us something of our divine nature. We, too, have the inherent power to create.

Also, sometimes we feel ugly. I've had plenty of ugly days myself, and they're not fun. Especially when we're at camp and we aren't showering or wearing makeup or doing our hair, we might feel like the beauty of nature is so much greater than our own. But please remember on your ugly days that, in our Father's eyes, you are the most beautiful of His creations. I would submit that the only thing more beautiful than us is the Plan of Salvation, the purpose of which is to bring us back to our Father's presence. You are an essential part of that plan. A very beautiful part. Next time you stop and take a minute to appreciate nature, take two minutes and remember to appreciate yourself, your body, your life, your purpose, your destiny. And then thank our Father for His infinite wisdom and creativity. Thank Him for the world that was created for us, but also thank Him for Us, that the world could be filled by such beloved and beautiful inhabitants.