Honk Shoe

Okay, folks. There's something that's been weighing on my mind and I just don't feel right going on without telling you. I feel like I'm lying to you every time I blog and don't write about this. If you don't want to follow any more after this post, I will understand. I write this knowing that it may even limit my opportunities for dating, as I may just seem even more unattractive. I just have to be honest with myself. I have to be honest with you. There's no more hiding it.

I snore.

Yes, that's right. I snore. And not just cute little baby snores, either -- my roommate sleeps on the couch all the time because it's that bad, I guess. It is embarrassing as heck and I am not at all proud of it.

I don't know how long it has been a problem. I think it is a fairly recent development, though, because after three years of college, this is the first time any of my roommates have brought it up. And after talking with most of them they have said it hasn't been an issue. Of course this is the first year I have consistently gone to bed earlier than my roommate, so maybe the others just didn't know. Anyway, long story short, my current roommate brought it up one day, and in a way that didn't quite sit right with me. So I was sad. Embarrassed. A little bit angry too, but especially sad and embarrassed.

We got it mostly worked out and I've mostly let it go. I say "mostly" because I still snore sometimes. But the sadness? Gone. The anger? For sure gone. But the embarrassment remains every time that I wake up in the morning and find that she has gone into the living room to sleep.

I tried breathe-right strips, and they only sort of worked. I guess my face gets too greasy at night and one side would always unstick itself from my face. (. . . Oops, another unattractive confession. Dang!)

My roommate told me it only happens when I'm on my back. See, I'm most comfortable on my side, but on my side I am more likely to roll over to my back. So I try sleeping on my stomach, but I often wake up because I can't breathe due to my face getting buried in my pillow, etc.

I went to the doctor to make sure nothing is really too much wrong with me (I'll be getting a partial sleep study done once finals are over I think, just to monitor oxygen levels, etc.) but she said it's not likely that I have sleep apnea.

My adenoids have been removed too, so they're not the problem.

It might help to lose some weight, but since when have I not known that? Plus the story of that battle is for a different blog post.

Bottom line: I am a snorer.

I have to accept this, as ashamed and reluctant as I am to do so. I feel like I ruin people's lives, like I am a menace to society, and I don't like it. At times during this school year, this knowledge has been one of the greatest sources of anxiety for me, which says a lot . . . . Trust me, there have been plenty of difficult things this year.

But you know, I have to look at this as a blessing. If snoring is one of my most unbearable trials (and maybe acknowledging this is just asking for something more . . .) then how much do I have to be grateful for? Of all the physical ailments that I could possibly experience -- high blood pressure and diabetes, just to name a couple that run in my family -- I snore.

Risks:

*I will probably always be embarrassed for as long as this keeps happening.
*My relationships with roommates, etc. may suffer because of this.
*My snoring could be an indication of something worse long-term.

But

*I must keep in mind that my imperfections don't define or defile me! I snore, but I'm still a good person, or at least I try to be.
*I can improve my communication skills; I'll tell those people I snore, and then they can help me overcome/deal with it.
*It will never hurt to keep trying every day to take better care of myself.

So, to future roommates, future husband, and anyone else whose quality of life may be tarnished because of this problem I have, I apologize. Help me live with my imperfections, and I will help you live with yours. Trust me, you have them. :)