My Christmas testimony

So here it is, the post where I finally talk about how I spent Christmas break.

Long story short, plane tickets were outrageously expensive, so I stayed here. I had no roommates at home, but there were a couple of people from the ward who I hung out with pretty much every night, and then I stayed with Bradalie on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day. Besides the part where the spices or peppers or something in the roast made me sick (Vomiting and awful stomach cramps the way I get when I eat jalapeños . . . It's a really sad food allergy to have since I like spicy food so much.), I had a really good time. I worked a lot the week after Christmas, and one by one the roommates returned. Now we're all back and getting back into the school routine.

The interesting thing about my break, though, is that several weeks before, I had been dreading it. Completely. Everything about the thought of staying here and not being with my parents and all of my siblings just sounded awful to me. Especially since I haven't been home since Christmas 2008, I absolutely hated to even think about what it would be like. I even found myself thinking that I would prefer for school to keep going.

A lot of people may not have known how scared I was, since I put on my brave face whenever I talked about it. It happened countless times. Someone would ask when I'd be finishing finals and going home, I'd casually mention that I was staying here, and instantly there was this look of . . . what was it? Shock? Pity? Something else? A combination, probably. Some of my friends looked downright horrified. And most people didn't always know what to say after that. So to ease their discomfort and to make sure no one worried about me too much I quickly spurted out my plans for staying with my brother and sister-in-law, working a lot, making sure I stayed busy, etc. You know, I brushed it aside, just laughed it off like it was no big deal.

Well the truth is that it kind of was a big deal for me. This was the first Christmas I've ever spent away from home, and I am still a big baby I guess. And I'm willing to admit it. I put on my brave face for everyone else, but just a short phone conversation with my baby brother or my sister or my parents usually concluded in tears because I missed them so much. I thought I was doomed to misery in longing for home the entire break. I thought Christmas would be depressing. Admittedly it was somewhat easier knowing that I would be making a quick trip home in just a couple of weeks (I'm going home the 14th through the 18th! I can't wait.), but I still wasn't expecting to be so completely happy.

See, funnily enough, I think this turned out to be one of the best Christmases I've ever had.

Christmas Eve, I went to Bradalie's place (that's Brad & Natalie's celebrity name, for those of you who haven't figured that out) and had the dinner that I still think was very nice despite the sickness that would later ensue, played a bunch of games that I lost, and watched movies and wrapped presents until 1 in the morning. We woke up, dilly-dallied, watched my family open presents via gmail video chat (which was probably the highlight of my day. I loved it so much!) and then opened ours.

Now, I don't know if it was the magic in sharing Brad & Natalie's first Christmas together with them, knowing that I'd be home in a couple of weeks, the technology that let me see my family, or the Play-Doh Jazlyn gave me, but I just could not help but be happy that day.

Truthfully though, I can tell you exactly what it was. I was happy because I felt my Savior's love and the comfort of knowing that He was looking out for my family and me. Perhaps I had reason enough to feel sorry for myself or be sad or homesick or whatever, but that didn't seem to matter so much when I remembered that I can never actually be alone. He was born so that He could take upon Himself our sorrows and heartaches. He knows exactly how I felt when I realized that going home at Christmas wasn't an option. He knows how badly I wanted to cry when I heard my siblings' fun plans for the break and knew I couldn't be a part of them.

But you know what else He knows? This is my favorite thing. He also shares in our joys and triumphs. He was just as happy as I was (maybe even happier?) when I found out I'd be coming home for a weekend this month. And when I was sitting on Bradalie's couch watching my family open their presents, He felt the same happiness and love that I felt. I know that is true. I know He lives. I know He loves me. And I know that He, more than anything or anyone else we could ever encounter in this world, is the purest source of light, of love, of true joy. He is my loving older brother, and the way through which I can return and live with our Father in Heaven. I know my Savior lives, and I love Him. I know that He is the reason I can be happy every day. Even when there are plenty of excuses to be sad, there will never be a real reason for sadness as long as I still know this. So I am grateful to Jesus the Christ, my Lord and Savior, for being with me, for lifting and comforting me, in this time (and countless others) when I could not find it in myself to be happy on my own. So, though it is written a little bit late, Merry Christmas!