Meaning Not To

When I was young and got chastised for accidentally hurting my siblings (whether physically or emotionally), breaking or dropping something, or making a mess or any other sort of careless mistake, my instant complaint was as follows:

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!"
And to this whiny defense, my mother's response was almost always, "Yes, but you didn't mean not to."

First, I'll say as a side-note that "You didn't mean not to" is second only to "That's not the issue" as my least favorite of mother's disciplinary catch-phrases. But what is the issue in this post is that, to my recollection, this famous rebuttal never failed to put an end to my protesting.

My immediate willingness to throw up the white flag can not be attributed as much to my begrudging acknowledgement of the correctness of her point as much as to my frustration at not actually even understanding what she meant by it. I seriously had no idea what she was saying. Not even a little bit. I even remember thinking one time that I should tell her that what she had said just didn't make any sense. The words "didn't mean not to" registered in my mind as some sort of disjointed, ungrammatical phrase--perhaps not too much unlike what I imagine baby Yoda to have sounded like before he developed his superlative command of syntax.

Recently, however, something a friend said reminded me of this exchange, and since then, I've been contemplating the meaning of mama's implied charge: to mean not to. As oddly phrased as it is, it has changed the way I view my daily interactions with my co-workers, friends, family, and strangers. I've come to the conclusion that to mean not to is about considering how my actions will affect others, then choosing to avoid those actions that will yield negative results.

It's about rejecting my selfish impulses.
It's about being careful, diligent, and wise with my words and deeds.
It's about reducing the pain and heartache that could be inflicted on others, just by putting some extra effort into suppressing any unkind words I'm tempted to speak.
It's about letting go of all the grudges, petty disagreements, and envy that create rifts between my loved ones and me.
It's about choosing patience when impatience is my visceral reaction.
It's about giving up my vanity-inspired pursuit for constant approval and instead offering praise to the unassuming souls who may feel they are not worthy of it.
It's about listening instead of interrupting and forgoing pride in favor of humility--allowing peace and harmony the victory over my need to be proven right.

Really, what it boils down to is that it's about charity. I've spent a lot of my life pondering on what charity truly means and making efforts to embody it, to nurture any instincts I have in the way of loving people. I try to love with action. I try to love with encouraging words, meaningful service, thoughtful gifts, valuable time, and long-lasting, soul-healing hugs. I truly believe that most people in this world try to love on purpose--it comes quite naturally to mean to love. But what could happen if we would also mean not to hurt?