Weeping willow, stop your tears.

For some reason the other day I wanted to watch a sad movie. I just really wanted to have a good cry. School and life in general have been so stressful and confusing that I thought I should watch a sad movie. . . mostly so that I had reason to cry other than only my feeling sorry for myself.

Mission: Accomplished.
And probably accomplished much better than I wanted it to be.

My roommate Natalie and I decided to stay up late and watch a couple of sad movies. We chose My Girl and A Walk to Remember. We knew the latter would make us cry, but neither of us had ever seen the first one.

Be ye therefore warned: My Girl will make you cry.

So we're sitting there, watching the movie, and I don't hear Natalie crying at all. I kind of felt like an idiot, so I tried to keep my sniffles, snorts, and sobs at a minimal noise level (It didn't really work).

Finally, the movie ends, and Natalie cries, "I need a tissue!"

I went ahead and let loose.

We were so pitiful, sobbing our eyeballs out at two in the morning.
I reached for the box of tissue, only to find that there was only one more left! We both needed it pretty badly, so we decided to split it.

So there I am, trying my hardest to tear the kleenex in half, a nearly impossible task with tear-filled eyes. We both got to the point where we couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry.
Naturally, we continued both (I tend to do this often, and it's actually quite hilarious).

Afterward I had probably the best night's sleep I've had in a while. I was so relaxed and I felt like I had sobbed out all of the frustrations I've been feeling about everything.

The problem is, I don't really understand myself--some of these things merit frustration, but other things bother me even though I know I should be able to let them go. I'm really having to learn to trust in the Lord and let Him take care of me. There are days when I don't know why I feel sad or upset, but I do.

One of the hardest things about this is learning that I'm not the one in control. There are things in my life that I thought I had full control over, yet recent events have shown me what little say I have in what happens. But somehow, the choices I make are still so important. I have agency, and I know that if I keep following the Spirit and doing what the Lord wants me to do, I will be able to feel comfortable giving it all to Him. I hate to say it, but I am still very selfish and immature in that I have not learned to do that yet. I still want to hold on to the illusion of control, to this crazy idea that I can make things happen the way I want them to or the way I think they should happen. I know I have to let this go, but it's a struggle that has gone on a long time, and probably will take a while longer to master.

But I can do it . . . I hope!

I know that the Lord loves me and that He will make things happen for my good as long as I'm willing to recognize that He's the one who knows what I need. He definitely knows better than I do. I have trouble making things of myself (shew, I even have trouble making myself get to bed before midnight!), yet He made me. He, a perfect being, created me. And, contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect (Insert smiley face here).

But I know that I can always progress toward perfection.
He also knows that, and He wants that for me.

So I'll keep my chin up and keep moving forward, with the help of prayer, the scriptures, and all my amazing friends and family!